


Dear Lance McClain

by rainbowchristy



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coma, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23183950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: Lance’s senior year takes a turn for the worst after a series of events, all involving a certain mullet-haired boy. Allura and her father rely on Lance’s fairy tales a little more than he’d thought they would and Lance’s conscience has to take a backseat. ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ inspired klance fic.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Kudos: 4
Collections: Klance Reverse Bang 2018





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my contribution to the Klance Reverse Bang 2018. I worked with the lovely alexw.8010 and the artworks they created can be seen:  
> \- https://instagram.com/p/Bh---Gqn3tt/  
> \- https://instagram.com/p/Bh--nLXHVyS/
> 
> My writing was beta’d by the amazing, Cerriann, who can be found at abnormpessimist (tumblr/twitter) and c3r14nn (instagram). They not only read over my fic but also contributed to the organisation of the event as a whole.  
> Thank you to both of you for creating a wonderful experience of my first bang!
> 
> This fic was inspired by the musical "Dear Evan Hansen". However, you do not need to know anything about it to read this fic (but you may miss references that would make it more enjoyable).
> 
> TW: Swearing, mention of medications (for anxiety), references to/talk of attempted suicide, social anxiety, anxiety/panic attacks & hospitals. As always, let me know if I've missed something.

Lance awoke to incessant knocking at his door. Grumbling, he rolled over and slid further into his bed. He wasn’t ready to face the world yet; just a few more hours sleep and he’d be all set.

“Lance,” his mother, Charlotte, called from outside. So that was who had woken him from his slumber. It wasn’t a rare occurrence that one of his brothers or sisters would wake him simply to play dress-up or something similar. “I’m coming in,” she called before Lance heard the sound of his door clicking open.

Lance muttered “Leave me alone,” to his mother, but either he spoke too quietly or she didn’t care because she kept walking.

“Lance, it’s a school day today. You need to wake up now.” She sounded sweet and caring; Lance knew better. No considerate mother in their right mind would ever wake their child before seven o’clock, even if it were a school day; it was just plain evil.

Lance rolled over, a glare set on his features. “Oh, don’t give me that look. Just because you’ve been sleeping in all holidays does not mean it can continue forever. It’s the first day of senior year!” she said excitedly as if school was something that warranted happiness.

It was probably his anxiety getting in the way. While Pidge was the only student he knew to actually enjoy school, he doubted every other student spent forty minutes in front of the mirror every morning.

“Can’t I just go tomorrow?” he asked, opening his eyes for a second time - when had they slipped closed? - and looking at his mother.

“It’s the first day of school, Lance. Come on, up you get.” Lance slowly peeled the heavy blanket from his body and sat up. “How are you for pills?” his mother asked as Lance reached for the orange bottle.

Screwing open the container, Lance counted his remaining pills and told his mother to order another bottle. Lance tipped out three pills (one more than normal) and swallowed them dry. “I don’t want to go and have everyone ignore me like every other year. Why couldn’t I study online again?” he questioned, already standing to pick out a shirt.

“Have you been writing those letters to yourself? _Dear Lance McClain, this is a good day and here’s why_!” she replied, completely disregarding his question.

“I started one!” he half-yelled squeakily from the wardrobe.

“Started is different than finished, Lance. Those letters are important! They’re going to help you build your confidence.”

“I’ll finish it at school. Can I get changed now?” His voice was still too high for his liking but there wasn’t much he could do. First days of school were always in the top five worst days of the year; his voice high from nerves only added to his despisal of the day.

As his mother closed the door, he stripped out of his pajama pants and into some jeans and a blue striped shirt. He moved quickly to the bathroom: fixing his hair and brushing his teeth, all of which was made more difficult since he had to use his right hand. After deeming himself decent-looking enough, he grabbed his phone and went downstairs.

The kitchen was a war zone. Two of his older sisters were running around, making lunches for all the younger kids. His niece and nephew were playing with some foam swords, his younger sister feeding her doll and his baby brother was crying in his crib. His grandmother was making breakfast for the entire family and his mother and father were trying to contain the children, pack school bags and attend to the crying baby all at once. This wasn’t unusual though. Most mornings consisted of his sisters making lunches, his grandmother cooking breakfast and the younger kids running around like mad men.

Wanting to be helpful, Lance chose to help his grandmother cook breakfast. After checking what needed done, he started to set the table. Once done with that, his little brother was still crying so Lance grabbed a premade bottle from the fridge and placed in the microwave. He decided to feed him in the lounge seeing as the kitchen was already overcrowded.

“Breakfast’s ready!” he heard his father yell. He stood, put James in his cot and dragged Rose (his little sister that was feeding her _baby_ ) to the table. Lance struggled to eat with his right hand, seeing as his other, more dominant hand, was wrapped in plaster.

“Lance, did you not eat dinner last night?” his second eldest sister, Kate, questioned with a knowing look. Lance ducked down, his cheeks turning a light pink. His anxiety was common knowledge in the household, but his hatred for talking about it was too. Lance settled to glare somewhat jokingly at his sister. “I’m just asking,” she added, her hands up in mock surrender.

Lance lifted his gaze in favor of finishing his meal and getting to school without risking the chance of being late on day one.

After breakfast, the family broke into a frenzy yet again. Amy, his oldest sister, put lunches in the kid’s school bags and ushered them out of the house, yelling “I’ll be back soon,” before closing the front door. His parents left for work shortly after, followed by his sister and himself.

“Thanks,” Lance said as he opened to car door before slipping out of the vehicle. “I’ll see you tonight.” He watched as Kate drove away before turning to head into the building.

He walked through the halls quickly, just wanting to get to his locker, grab his books and get to class without having a panic attack. He could already feel one on the way. His hands were clammy and his heart was beating uncomfortably fast against his ribcage. Both signs he was close to breaking... all that was needed was a trigger.

As if on cue, Lance bumped into someone. His eyes were focussed on the ground, afraid of making unwanted eye contact with a stranger. This, coupled with his fear of an attack, led to him losing focus.

Lance looked up to the student, stuttering out an apology.

“What the hell do you want?” the boy - Keith if Lance remembered correctly - snapped; clearly he was in anything but a good mood. This didn’t aid Lance’s nerves at all.

“I-I’m s-sorry,” Lance whispered. He was _oh so close_ to breaking down but he dreaded the idea of doing that in the hallway. What would people think if he started crying and shaking in public? Though, he was already shaking; there was a prominent tremor in his left hand as he started to play with the hem of his shirt.

“Oh, you’re sorry are you? Well, that makes everything fine. You didn’t do anything wrong then. Just watch where you're going, freak.” With that, Keith slammed his locker shut and started to walk away, though not without tripping Lance first.

His hands flew out to catch his fall and his left arm throbbed in protest. He sat back on his legs and looked around, his mind telling him everyone was laughing at him. Seeing that every student in the hallway was looking at him, he gulped and stood.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry about my brother. I saw him push you. He’s mentally unstable. Lance, right?” a girl said, helping him maintain balanced by placing her hand just above his cast.

“Lance?”

“That’s your name, isn’t it?”

“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? My brother’s the one who pushed you.”

“Well it’s just, you said my name. And then I repeated it. And it’s just so annoying when people do that so...” he said, trailing off as he realised how insane he sounded.

“I’m Allura,” she continued, clearly choosing to ignore Lance’s rambling.

“Oh, I know,” he replied much too quickly.

“You know?”

“It’s just, uh, drama. I’m gonna go now,” he said, turning and bolting into the closest bathroom. Locking the door, he was happy he could now panic without the watchful eyes of his peers. While Allura had delayed his attack, she, by no means, stopped it. Keith had _pushed_ him and everyone was watching.

Panic attacks weren’t uncommon for Lance. While they happened less and less thanks to his meds, they still occurred. By now, he was well acquainted with them and knew how to handle the attack to the best of his ability until it passed.

He walked over to the sink - though he didn’t really feel as if he were walking - and splashed water on his face. After he sat down, he realised he couldn’t feel any of his limbs. His body was boiling hot but it didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel like it was his body that was boiling; it felt almost as if he was watching himself burn alive from third person.

Trying to control his breathing, he exhaled and started to count. He only reached two before gasping for air, his breath returning to the pace of a running athlete. Trying again, he counted to three before gasping.

He continued this for a little while until his breathing was mostly regular. He moved to his trembling hands next: tightening them into fists before letting go again. After a few minutes of this, his body was mostly relaxed and the attack was almost over.

Lance stood and washed his face, only just realising the drying tear tracks on his cheeks. He placed some paper towel under the tap and placed the soggy paper on the back of his neck, letting it cool his skin.

Once he’d cooled down, he unlocked the bathroom door and continued on his way to his locker. Checking his phone, he realised he still had ten minutes before class. Once at his locker, he saw Pidge on her phone.

“Hi,” Pidge said as Lance opened his locker. Putting her phone in her pocket, she turned to Lance, “I thought we were meeting ten minutes ago?”

Lance shoved his books in his bag and shut his locker with what was probably more force than necessary. “Sorry, I got distracted,” he lied. She seemed to accept his answer.

“So, tell me, is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much?” she questioned, a smirk on her face.

“Wha-”

“Paint me the picture. You’re in your bedroom, Allura’s instagram up on your phone-”

“Shhh! Please,” Lance begged, already bright red.

“Fine. But seriously, how’d you break your arm?” They arrived at homeroom and took their seats; there were still a few minutes before class started so only five other students were there.

“Well, I, uh, I was climbing on some rocks near a lake I found, and I, um, I slipped.”

“Uh huh,” Pidge responded. She dropped the topic but Lance wasn’t sure she even believed him in the slightest.

“Did you want to maybe sign my cast?” Lance asked, already getting out the sharpie from his pocket.

“You’re such a dork,” she said lightheartedly, “Besides, wouldn’t it be embarrassing? We are seniors after all.” With that, she opened her book and started reading.

  
~~~~

Lunch arrived quickly, his first few classes passing in a blur. He passes by his locker to swap out his books before heading to the library. He had an appointment with his psychiatrist that afternoon and he’d likely be in trouble if he didn’t have at least one finished letter. Opening his laptop, he read over what he wrote that morning in the car:

_Dear Lance McClain,_

_Today is going to be an amazing day, and here's why. Because today, all you have to be is yourself. You don’t have to be anyone else. Not that you could be, cause that’s not possible. But you don’t have to so that’s nice!_

_Being confident is also important. Be easy to talk to. Approachable. People like approachable._

_Also, don’t worry about your hands being sweaty. Because worrying about it only makes them more sweaty. Your hands aren’t even sweaty so I don’t know why I’m bringing this up. Like when you tried to talk to Allura. You were all nervous about your hands being sweaty and that made them sweaty so when she tried to shake your hand, you_ very _subtly wiped them on your jeans which made her think your hands were disgusting. Which they aren’t. Your hands are a nice shape. Not too big or small. Just right. Except maybe cut your nails. You don’t want to scratch anyone accidentally._

He wanted to delete the entire thing but Dr Williams had told him not to delete what he’d written. Told him that would make his letters more authentic. After reading what he wrote, he began to write more.

_Dear Lance McClain,_

_Turns out today wasn’t an amazing day after all. Turns out this isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year because why would it be?_

_Oh, I know. Because there’s Allura. All my hope is pinned on Allura who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe nothing would be different at all._

_I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of something. I wish that anything_

_I said mattered to anyone. I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_

_Me._

Lance pressed print and checked his phone which informed him it was fifteen minutes before the end of lunch. He logged off the computer and stood, pushing in his chair, before heading towards the printer.

Walking around the corner, he crashed into someone. Looking up, he realised it was Keith Kogane (he had remembered his name correctly), the boy he’d knocked into before and who, in return, had gotten aggressive.

“I’m s-so sorry,” Lance tried to say quickly.

“Do you make a habit of running into people?” Keith replied, though he didn’t sound as threatening as he did that morning. He sounded almost... amused?

“No, I don’t u-usually. I’m sorry,” he stuttered out, stiff from fear.

“Chill, I’m not pissed.” Lance felt himself physically relax after he said that, though he was still tense as if Keith’s mood would change any second. “No one’s signed your cast,” he observed, gesturing to said cast.

“Oh, uh, I know.”

“Well I’ll sign it.” There was a strange tension in the room. It was hard to describe. It was as if one of them had bumped into the other, then been tripped in retaliation and now were trying to be civil a few hours later. But that’s exactly what had happened, isn’t it?

“Oh, you don’t have to. It’s fine,” Lance said, trying to reassure Keith and act like this wasn’t the first time Keith had been nice in his presence.

“Do you have a sharpie?” Lance pulled a sharpie from his pocket and handed it to him, trying to ignore the unease in the room. Keith yanked his arm, making Lance squeak in pain, and began to write his name in big, size one hundred font.

“Oh, uh, thanks?” Lance tried to sound genuinely grateful for someone signing his cast but he was taken off guard. He hadn’t expected Keith to write large enough to cover the entire outer side of his cast.

“Now we can both pretend we have friends,” Keith answered, a small smile on his face before he quickly wiped it away, replacing it with one of neutral emotion.

“Um,” Lance said awkwardly after a few seconds silence. “So I’m gonna go,” he resolved, gesturing behind Keith towards where the printers were.

As he turned to leave, Keith grabbed his upper arm, “Is this yours?” Lance turned as Keith let go. “Dear Lance McClain. That’s your name, right?”

Lance felt himself stiffen and tried to look casual as he stumbled over his words. “Oh that? That’s just a stupid thing for an, um, assignment.” Much to his dismay, Keith lifted the paper and examined the page.

“Because there’s Allura... Is this about my sister?” Now he sounded more like himself, not that Lance liked that. He quite liked it when Keith sounded peaceful and not as if he were about to murder someone.

“What? No, of course not.” Lance tried to brush of his letter as much as possible. He didn’t want to think about what Keith would do if he knew it was a letter to himself. That would be so humiliating.

“You wrote this because you knew I’d find it,” Keith decided, sounding more and more angry by the second.

“W-what?”

“You saw me in here and knew I’d read it.”

“What? Why would I-I do that?”

“So I would read some creepy shit about my sister. And then I’d freak out and everyone would think I’m crazy! Right? I’m right, aren’t I?!” he was yelling by the end of his rant and Lance was shaking.

“No, I wou-”

“Fuck you!” Keith yelled before storming out of the room, letter in hand. Lance felt a tear slide down his cheek; he’d always hated when people were angry at him. And not only that, he now didn’t have a letter or time to get a new one.

Sulking, Lance walked towards his next class, trying to think of excuses for Dr Williams. Walking into the maths building and towards his classroom, he was stopped by a teacher he didn’t recognise. Maybe she was new?

“Excuse me, are you okay?” she asked, removing her hand from his shoulder as he spun to face her.

“I-I’m fine, why?”

“You’re shaking, dear.” Lance hadn’t even realised he was shaking but now that he’d raised his hand to see for himself, and it was glaringly obvious.

“Oh, uh, I’m alright,” he tried, not needing a nosy teacher sticking her face in his business.

“Are you sure? I can take you to the infirmary if you want.”

“I’m fine, really. I just want to get to class and get this day over with.”

“Okay,” she said skeptically, “Well, have a good rest of first day.” She sounded way too cheerful for someone who had just been quite concerned. Lance nodded uneasily before turning to leave, now all too aware of his shaking legs as he walked.

The rest of his day passed in a quick blur. He’d tried to focus on class but his mind kept wandering. What would Keith do with the letter? Would he tell everyone about it? Would he show everyone? Oh god, what if Allura saw it? She’d think he was such a creep, writing a letter about her.

And there was also the whole matter of what he’d tell his psychiatrist. He’d be expecting a letter from him, probably two or three, and he wouldn’t even have one. How would he explain that? He’d think Lance wasn’t taking his sessions and homework seriously. True, Lance had waited till the day of his appointment to write the letter but in his defence, he wasn’t supposed to see Dr Williams until next week.

It was during seventh period that he got a message from his mother: _I’m not going to be able to pick you up. Are you able to get there on your own or do you want me to call Kate and see if she can take you?_

Lance typed his reply subtly, scared of the teacher seeing and confiscating his phone: _I’m alright. I can catch the bus._

_Ok sweetie, sorry I can’t make it. I’ll be there to pick you up at 4:30._

Lance put his phone away in his pocket and tried to tune into the lesson. He caught something about some reading to be done but struggled to actually listen. He’d have to ask after class, hopefully the teacher wouldn’t mind too much.

~~~~

After school, Lance waded through the hundreds of students to get to his locker. Quickly swapping out his books, he made his way to the crowded busses.

He took a seat in one of the few empty seats and pulled out his phone, ready to play some music to distract himself. He hated busses. Why did he ever agree to do this when there were other alternatives?

Lance plugged in his headphones and pressed play on his music, Sidekick by Walk The Moon coming on. He rested his head on the window, trying to focus on the music and not the fact that he was on an overly-crowded bus with loud teenagers who could easily cause a crash at any moment if they so wished.

When the bus stopped at what Lance guessed was the closest stop to where he was going, he grabbed his bag and quickly stepped off the bus, quietly saying “Thank you,” to the driver as he passed.

It was about a ten minute walk to his destination so he hiked up his backpack and began to walk, the rumbling of the bus getting quieter as it drove away.

“Hi, appointment for Lance McClain,” Lance said to the receptionist.

She looked up to him and gave a soft smile, “You can take a seat. Dr Williams should be out soon.” Lance nodded and took a seat, pulling out his phone to let his mother know he’d arrived.

“Lance,” Dr Williams said, walking over to him. He was a tall man, maybe a head or so taller than Lance. He had sandy blonde hair, green eyes and a gentle smile that read _I’ll support you_ and _you can trust me_.

Lance stood, and subtly wiped his hand before shaking his. “This way,” he said, gesturing to his office. “So, how have you been since we last met?” Dr Williams asked, taking his usual seat as Lance sat in his.

“Umm, alright. I guess I’ve been a little better than usual?” he said, though it sounded more like a question.

~~~~

An hour later, Lance was leaving his psychiatrist's office and climbing into his mother’s car, his next appointment already booked for next week.

“How was your appointment?” his mother asked as she pulled away from the curb.

“Good,” Lance replied and that was the end of their conversation. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence though, Lance never discussed what happened in his appointments with anyone. If he had to talk to someone, maybe if there was something others had to do to help, then he told Kate and she could tell whoever needed to know.

Lance’s evening passed quickly. He had helped his nephew with his multiplication homework before helping prepare dinner. By the time he was ready to settle down for the night, it was already eight o’clock.

Sighing, Lance stood back up from the sofa and collected his sister, niece and nephew, getting them all into their pajamas and into the bathroom to brush their teeth. After they were all in their rooms, Lance didn’t see the point in going back downstairs. He kissed his grandmother goodnight and half-yelled down the stairs to his parents that he was going to bed.

~~~~

Lance awoke to someone pushing his shoulder. Grumbling to inform the person he was awake, he rolled over and opened his eyes, only to see Mason, his nephew, smile and shove a toy in his face.

“Mason, I can’t play right now. You’ve got school and so do I. Go help your mother make lunches.” Mason frowned and furrowed his brow before shrugging and skipping out of the room.

Lance got ready for school the same as the day before and walked into the same chaotic kitchen. To most people - Lance would go as far as to say all - the kitchen would look like utter carnage and no order but it was quite the opposite. While everything was quick moving and confusing, there was a kind of routine behind it. Lance and his older sisters liked to call it “organised chaos.”

By the time Lance had actually fully woken up, he was climbing out of his sister’s car and heading for another day of school. He did everything he’d done the day before: went to his locker to collect books before going to homeroom. Well, everything he’d done the day before minus a panic attack, which was a lovely bonus.

“Everyone settle down,” his homeroom teacher said over the loud students who quieted down surprisingly quickly. “Okay, attendance,” the teacher began, starting to read names and mark the roll. “Lance McClain?”

“Here!”

“I have a message for you actually,” his teacher said, moving to her desk and picking up a sticky note. “Oh! Yes. The principal wants to see you. Here’s a hall pass.” Lance stood, a slight tremor in his hands and took the paper before exiting the classroom and turning towards the front office.

“Lance,” the lady at the office smiled, “This way.” He followed the woman through the staff only doors and was lead to Mr Murphy’s office.

Lance was only slightly confused when the door was opened to reveal not only the principal, but a man with greying hair. He didn’t look old enough to have greying hair though; he looked maybe in his late thirties to early forties. What was even more confusing was that after Lance arrived, Mr Murphy excused himself from the room, leaving just himself and the man.

“Umm,” he said intelligently.

“I’m Alfor, Keith’s father. Take a seat,” he introduced, gesturing to the spare armchair towards the end of his sentence. Lance awkwardly took his seat, trying to act casual while inside his anxiety was pushing against all his walls, trying to knock them down. Lance knew the brick wall he rebuilt regularly wouldn’t take much to topple.

“So,” Lance said, not being able to handle the silence any longer. He watched as Alfor opened his wallet, pulling out a small slip of paper before unfolding it and passing it to Lance.

“Keith wanted you to have this,” he began.

“Wait, he gave this to you?” Lance asked, mostly out of shock and confusion. In his hands was the letter Keith had run off with the day before. The letter Lance had never expected to see again, at least not until it was plastered all over school walls.

“I didn’t know you two were friends. We didn’t know he had _any_ friends.”

“I’m sorry, you think Keith wrote this?”

“It seems to suggest very clearly that he thought- at least in his eyes you were- it says right there. _Dear Lance McClain_. It was written to you, addressed to you.”

“I don’t think you under-”

“These were the words Keith wished to be his last.”

“Wait, what? What do you mean is last words?”

“Keith, well, he attempted to take his own life yesterday. Luckily Allura found him in time but his brain had too little oxygen. He’s currently in a coma in hospital. This was the letter he wrote. A letter he wrote to you, intended to be his last words.”

Lance was shocked into silence. He had no idea what was going on. The man in front of him, who was apparently Allura and Keith’s father, was telling him Keith had tried to commit suicide the day before and that his own letter was written from Keith to him.

“He... what?”

“We found this in his pocket. It was the only thing he had on him. Clearly, he was trying to explain. I mean, it’s written right there, _I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of something._ ”

“I’m sorry. Keith- he didn’t write this,” Lance tried to articulate his thoughts but it proved a difficult task. His mind was running at one thousand miles per hour while his body moved at ten.

“You’re obviously in shock. It’s okay.” It was clear Alfor had no idea what was really going on.

“I just, I should go,” Lance whispered, shoving the letter into Alfor’s hands before trying to rush out. He felt something warm and clammy on his wrist before his mind caught up. Alfor had grabbed his arm.

“Your cast,” he said simply, as if it made any sense. Lance followed his eyes and was led to his arm where the name _Keith_ was sprawled across it.

“I really need to go.” Lance yanked his arm free and ran as fast as he could. He just needed to get out of there. He couldn’t go through a day of school. He needed to go home.

“H- hello?” he said into the phone as he ran quickly through the school.

“Lance? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I need- I need to go home. I can’t- everything’s moving too quickly- I don’t know what to do.” Lance spoke far too fast for most people to understand. Luckily, his sister was an expert. You couldn’t say Lance was lucky to be thinking so quickly that rambling was the only option, but at least his sister was good at interpreting his jumbled words and helping him think somewhat coherently.

“Shit,” she said, “Lance, listen to me. You’re having a panic attack. I’ll come get you but you need to calm your breathing for me. Can you do that?” Lance nodded before realising she couldn’t see him.

“I c-can try.” And so Lance tried. He listened as his sister counted and tried his best to follow along with her. He desperately tried to ignore all the eyes on him. Why was everyone looking at him? So many eyes. So many faces. Too many faces.

Lance dropped his phone and ran, the only thing on his mind was getting out of where he was. He needed less people looking at him. It didn’t matter that no one was even in the hallways, everyone was looking at him.

Lance was running along the side of the street when a car pulled up. He just kept running, why did there have to be so many people chasing him. But there wasn’t. There was only one person following him. A person with much longer legs and a gym membership.

His sister toppled him to the ground before climbing off him as quickly as possible. She helped him sit up against the brick wall next the the path. Just like the wall Lance would have to rebuild within.

“Hey, you’re okay. Everything’s okay. You’re safe. I’m here.” His sister just kept speaking, hoping something she said would break past the destroyed rubble that his mind consisted of.

At some point, Lance’s silent screams stopped and tears slowed to hiccups. Kate tried again to tame his breathing, this time to much more success. After he’d calmed his breathing, she helped him into the car and drove him home. Lance remained completely silent on the trip home; completely silent aside from the occasional hiccup or sniffle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Feedback/Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Check out my tumblr if you’re interested in more -> https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


	2. Chapter 2

The dinner table was silent. The atmosphere thick as Lance scooped the mashed potatoes in front of him onto his fork.

“Lance had a panic attack today,” Kate said, cutting into the silence. Lance looked up to glare at her as all the other adults turned to look at him, the children having already been excused.

“Would you like to tell us why you haven’t told us Lance?” his mother asked, sounding hurt that she hadn’t been informed by Lance directly.

“I’m fine.”

“Kate, do you know?” That was expected. If Lance ignored the questions, Kate was asked next. She usually knew anyway. The thing is, this time she didn’t. Lance had refused to say anything about what had triggered his attack. He didn’t exactly know how to explain that a boy in his year had almost killed himself and said boy’s father believed one of his therapy letters was said boy’s suicide note.

“He hasn’t said anything.” She sounded sad too. Why the hell did everyone have to sound so damn disappointed in him? It’s not like he  _ chose _ to have a panic attack. He didn’t  _ want _ it to happen.

The questions turned back to him, “Did you take your medication this morning?” Lance nodded, feeling that simply opening his mouth would invoke a tidal wave of words he didn’t wish to share. “You’ve said hardly anything since you came home. Did something happen at school?”

“Can I go?” Lance said, risking word vomit that luckily didn’t occur. His mother’s expression changed from disheartened to broken - Lance looked away so he wouldn’t have to see her that sad - but she nodded. He quickly stood and hurried up the stairs, needing to get to his room as soon as possible.

Closing the door, he climbed under his covers and tried to calm down. He’d escaped interrogation, but only for now. Soon, his sister or mother would come back up and attempt to get him to talk about his day.

Lance must have fallen asleep at some point because he awoke to Rose, his little sister, bouncing on his bed. “Rose!” Lance groaned, half asleep. Rolling over on the bed to face his sister, he heard a thump. He quickly realised that thud had been his sister hitting the ground.

“Rose!” He was more awake now. His sister was lying on the ground, looking up at him with tears beginning to brim in her eyes. “Hey, you’re alright. I’m sorry for yelling. Are you okay?” Lance helped Rose up and downstairs to rest on the couch. He had no idea how hard she’d hit her head and he was not going to risk concussion.

~~~~

Once Lance arrived at school, he stopped by his locker and went straight to class. He didn’t wait around, he just wanted to get through classes and go home. Yesterday was so complicated and scary and he didn’t want to talk to anyone. Even when he took his seat and Pidge started pestering him, he remained silent.

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked after realising Lance had yet to say a single word to her that day.

“I’m fine,” Lance replied quietly before turning his attention to the teacher who had thankfully decided to start the lesson then. He wasn’t really in the mood to discuss the previous day’s events. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready, but maybe after a few days on his own to process everything he might be able to mention it.

“Okay class, settle down,” the teacher began, getting everyone’s attention. Mrs Madison read names off the roll and quickly moved into announcements. After half an hour, students started heading towards their classes, Lance’s being Mathematics.

After Maths, Lance rushed to his locker, switching out his books for A-Level English. As he slammed his locker shut, a face appeared behind it making him jump.

“Hi, sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you,” Allura said loudly to talk over the noise of other students.

“Hi,” Lance replied, not really sure what else to say.

“Umm, I was wondering if you wanted to come over this afternoon?” She must have noticed Lance’s face because she quickly spoke again, “To talk about Keith I mean.”

“I- uh, Keith?”

“Yes, Keith. You know, you’re best friend about so tall?” she said in a lighthearted tone, using her hand to gesture Keith’s height.

“Oh, right. Um, yeah sure.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you here this afternoon. See you then!” She turned quickly and started jogging towards her next class. Lance realised running would be a good option too since there was exactly one minute for him to get to the other side of the building.

Once in his class, Lance sat in his seat, now hot and sweaty, but with three seconds to spare.

“Lance, only just made it. I expect better from you,” his teacher, James - they were asked to call him by his first name - said, though there was a slight smile on his face. James was Lance’s favourite teacher; he seemed to make it his aim to befriend the students rather than be some authoritative figure to take orders from and Lance appreciated that. Aside from that, he never got mad at anyone; if homework was late, he’d take it in and mark it as long as it wasn’t an assignment.

“Sorry.”

“Everyone, settle down.”

Lance’s day passed in a boring blur of lectures and attempting to avoid crowded hallways. As the final bell rang, everyone started to pack up their bags and exit the room to get home as quickly as possible.

Lance opened his locker, placing his books inside and grabbing out his backpack, filling it with a textbook and novel for Spanish. Closing the door, he jumped again at seeing Allura standing behind it.

“Sorry again. I was going to move but I was waiting for the flow of people to slow down. Ready to go?” she sounded so happy, not anything like you’d imagine for someone whose brother was in a coma.

“Yep, I’m ready.” They made their way out of the crowded school quickly and towards the student car park where Allura’s car must have been parked.

~~~~

Allura unlocked the front door to her home and let Lance inside first. It was a large house, maybe three stories with a well kept exterior and large garden out front. It definitely wouldn’t have been a cheap house and Lance wondered if Allura’s family was rich, it certainly seemed like it based off the house.

Inside the house was the exact same as the outside. Everything was pristine and perfect, not a thing out of place. “Dad! I’m home!” Allura called, breaking the perfect silence that the house held.

“Allura, how was school?” Allura’s father - Alfor if Lance remembered correctly - asked, walking into the room and giving her a hug. “Lance, good to see you again. How have you been since you found out?” Alfor turned to him, reaching out his hand for Lance to shake.

“I’ve been alright,” Lance replied. Alfor nodded before leading them into the kitchen and getting them to take a seat - “Make yourself at home.”

Lance and Allura took their seats at the breakfast bar as Alfor opened the fridge, presumably to prepare an afternoon snack or dinner.

“So you and Keith hung out a lot?” Alfor asked out of the blue. While Lance knew the topic was coming, he didn’t expect Alfor and Allura to both be so openly okay with talking about it.

“Oh, uh, yeah.”

“Where? I’ve never seen you here before.”

“You mean, um, where we hung out? Well, mostly at my house. Sometimes we’d come here if, uh, no one else was home. We emailed a lot though. He didn’t, he didn’t always like hanging out in person.”

“We checked his emails, there weren’t any from you.” Allura butted in. She didn’t seem to be buying any of Lance’s words, either that or she was just so incredibly unhappy he was there.

“Y- yeah, that’s because, because he had another email account. A secret one. That was probably very confusing, I’m sorry,” Lance trailed off at the end, not wanting to ramble. Alfor took a seat, picking up some grapes and putting them on his plate. Lance followed suit, grabbing a slice of watermelon.

“Okay, but that still doesn’t explain that the only time I’ve seen you together was when he pushed you.” Damn Allura, why’d she have to be so nosy? Why couldn’t she just believe his lies?

“Oh, you see. Um, I tried to talk to him but, uh, he doesn’t want people knowing we’re friends. So, he pushed me, so people, um, wouldn’t think we’re friends.” Lance was looking around the room, desperate not to make eye contact when his sight landed on a canvas on the wall. “Who took that?” Lance asked, pointing to the picture. Alfor turned to look and Lance noticed the small smile that appeared on Allura’s face as she looked at it.

“Oh, my wife. She really likes photography. We used to go there all the time.” Alfor sounded more sad now as if he were reliving a sad memory.

“I’ve been there.”

“You’ve been- Keith took you to the forest beach? Our family used to go for picnics every weekend when Allura and Keith were younger. Do you remember that?”

“Yeah, I do.” The cuckoo-clock on the wall sounded, informing the three of them that it was four o’clock.

“Mum!” Allura shouted suddenly, shooting up from her seat.

“Lance, would you care to join us?” Alfor invited, already standing and carrying the platter into the lounge. There was a massive flat screen tv on the wall, Allura already flicking through the apps to find whatever it was she wanted.

“Um, join you for what?”

“Oh, right. My wife, she’s an astronaut currently in space. Every Tuesday and Friday we call her at four o’clock.”

“I’d love to meet her,” Lance said as he took his seat and the tv started to call whatever spaceship Allura’s mother was on.

“Allura! Alfor!” a voice said through the sound system, the image of a woman with silver-blonde hair loading on the tv a few seconds later. The woman looked exactly like Allura, just older.

“Hi, Mum!” Allura called back. She seemed to completely forget Lance was even there and began acting like a little kid returning from their first day of school.

“How ha- Whose this?” Allura turned around confused before her eyes landed on Lance again.

“Lance. He’s Keith’s ‘best friend’,” she said, using air quotations as if she didn’t believe him.

“Lance, the one from the letter? It’s a pleasure to meet you. My name’s Katelyn.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Lance replied.

“We were just talking about that private beach we used to go to years ago. Remember? The one in the forest?” Alfor asked the tv.

“Oh yes, what about it?”

“Keith took Lance there. He was just telling us about it when four o’clock hit.”

“Well I’d love to hear about it. If you wouldn’t mind Lance,”

Lance swallowed, “Not at all.” Alfor and Lance moved to join Allura in sitting. “Umm, there isn’t a whole lot to say. We decided to explore the forest, not having anything better to do. He remembered the beach, so we went there. I remember lying on the sand, looking up at the sky. I remember him turning to me and saying there was nowhere else he’d rather be; I replied ‘me too’. We started to climb along the rocks. One foot after the other, one rock then to another. But suddenly they gave way. I’m on the ground, my arm goes numb. I look around and I see him come to get me. He’s come to get me and everything’s okay. All we see is sky, for forever. We let the world pass by, for forever.”

Allura walked over to him and hugged him, making him stop. “Thank you, Lance. Thank you.” He hugged her back, not really understanding what she was thanking him for.

The rest of the hour was spent talking about school, work and space. Lance felt more than a little out of place but didn’t want to interrupt this short hour to get taken home. That would be rude and he was raised better than that.

Once the hour was up though, Allura offered to drive him home to which Lance accepted. The drive was quiet save for the music playing through the radio. Once Allura pulled up into Lance’s driveway, he said “thank you” and began to climb out. Allura had reached over and grabbed his wrist though, stopping him leaving.

“Can I see some of the emails?” she asked quietly, almost seeming embarrassed.

“Um, sure. I’ll bring them tomorrow?” Allura nodded and let go of his wrist, a small smile on her face. Lance watched as she pulled out of the driveway and turned to enter his house.

“Lance, how was school?” his mother asked.

  
“Alright, I’m gonna go study.” Lance left the lounge room, making his way upstairs to his room to call Pidge in a panic. “Pidge, you need to come over right now!” he yelled into his phone.

“Hi to you too. Why? Is something wrong?”

“I just, I need help before tomorrow. I’ll explain when you get here.”

“Can’t it just wait ‘till tomorrow? I’m working on something.”

“Didn’t you hear me? I need it  _ for _ tomorrow. Please!”

“Okay, okay. Fine. I’m about to have dinner but I’ll be there in half an hour,” she said. Lance let out a breath he hadn’t even realised he was holding.

“Thank you so so much. I love you! I’ll see you soon.” Pidge made a noise of agreement and hung up, leaving Lance to do some school work until she got there.

It didn’t take long after Lance got stuck into his work for Pidge to arrive. Opening the door, he stepped aside for her to come in. They instantly made their way up to his room, Lance closing the door behind him.

“Um, do you remember when I was called into the principal's office yesterday?” Lance began, choosing to go from the start.

“Yeah,”

“Well, I met Keith’s dad. Oh, I also had to write a letter to myself for Dr Williams. Anyway, Keith’s dad told me that Keith had tried to commit suicide the day before and that the letter found in his pocket was addressed to me.”

“Oh fuck,” was the most articulate thing Pidge could say after receiving that information. “Wait wait wait, why would Keith write his suicide letter to you?” It wasn’t phrased aggressively; it was more of a genuine question since they weren’t friends.

“That’s the thing. He didn’t. I was printing the letter in the computer lab and Keith found it and got mad at me, it’s not important why. Anyway, he ran off with the letter so Keith’s dad, and Allura I guess, found it and thought he’d written it to me.”

“Uh-huh. What’s this got to do with tomorrow though?”

“Right, so, I went to Allura’s house earlier and we were talking about Keith - their dad was there too. And I met their mum. Anyway, I was telling them about how we hung out since they wanted to know but Allura pointed out that he pushed me. I said that it was because he didn’t want anyone knowing we were friends. Anyway, that’s unimportant. I told Allura that he had a secret email account that we communicate through because they’d already checked his normal account. But, the thing is, Allura asked to see some of the letters and I said I’d bring them tomorrow. But I don’t know how to make backdated emails so I called you and now where here.” Lance realised just how confusing and complicated the past three days had been as he tried to articulate every event.

Lance looked at Pidge when he received no reply and saw her smiling and holding in laughter. “What?” Lance asked, somewhat hurt that Pidge was almost laughing.

“It’s just- secret emails?” She started laughing then. “And you said that he didn’t want you two to be seen together at school. It’s- that’s- You realise that’s basically code for secret gay high school couple, right?”

“What? No, it’s not,” Lance argued.

“It is,” she said, an evil glint in her eye. She got enjoyment out of torturing Lance, he could tell.

“Anyway!” he said too loudly, “How do we make those emails?”

“Right, good thing I brought my laptop. It’s really quite simple actually. You just need the codes used for emailing, then you edit it to say what you want, and the dates you want, then edit the code again to fit the new information,” she explained as she opened up the coding program on her computer. Lance knew she’d be able to help. He didn’t understand what she meant by “edit the code” but assumed Pidge had a solid understanding of what she was doing.

“Okay, here we go,” she said as a bunch of code appeared on the screen. Lance couldn’t read a single bit of it but read the text in English as Pidge wrote out the start of a letter.

_ Dear Lance McClain, _

_ We’ve been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy and it sucks that we don’t talk that much. _ That sounded good so far.  _ But I should tell you that I think of you each night. _ Maybe a little less good.  _ I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight. _

“Why would you write that?!” Lance said, his voice a higher pitch than he would have liked as his cheeks tinted pink.

“I’m just trying to tell the truth,” she returned immediately, smirking at Lance’s wound-up state.

“This needs to be perfect! These emails have to prove that we were actually friends! Just- I’ll do it.” Lance snatched the laptop off her and began typing.

_ I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight. _ _ I’ve gotta tell you life without you has been hard. _

“Hard?” Pidge snickered as Lance deleted the words.

_ hard. _ _ bad. _ “Bad?” she said, distaste for the word choice in her voice.

_ bad. _ _ has been rough. _ “Kinky!” Pidge half-yelled, laughing hard enough to clutch her stomach. Lance sighed, choosing to ignore her.

_ And I miss talking about life and other stuff. _ “Very specific.” Pidge was quite clearly enjoying his attempts to write these letters. It’s not his fault though; he’d never had to write a letter pretending to be a now-comatose-boy-who’d-tried-to-kill-himself before.

“Shut up!”  _ I like my parents. _ _ I love my parents, but each day’s another fight. If I stop smoking drugs then everything might be alright. _

“Smoking drugs?” Pidge asked, still trying to contain her snickering.

“Just fix it!” Lance shoved the laptop back into her lap, ready for her to fix the mess he’d created.

_ If I stop smoking crack  _ “Crack!?” Lance yelled before realising his entire family way home. He’d just have to hope none of them heard him scream ‘crack’ out of seemingly nowhere.

_ If I stop smoking pot then everything might be alright. I'll take your advice; I'll try to be more nice. I'll turn it around, wait and see. Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention. It’s easy to change if you give it your attention. All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be. _

_ Sincerely, Me _

“Are we done yet?” Pidge demanded, yawning to prove her point that it was late.

“I can’t just give her one email. I wanna show that we were actually friends, you know?”

“Ugh, fine.” She did some typing on her computer and downloaded the first email, ready to print before reopening the software and sat ready to type.

“Can I do this one? It’ll be from me after all. It’ll make it more realistic.”

“Nothing more realistic than pretending to be a comatose teenager.” Lance ignored her comment and made grabby hands for the laptop, ready to start his letter.

_ Dear Keith Kogane, _

_ Yes, I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs; just try to take deep breaths and go on walks. _ “No,” Pidge said as if it were the worst idea. Lance kept it in anyway. This letter was his own, he could write what he wished.

_ I’m sending pictures on the most amazing trees. _ “No.”  _ You’ll be obsessed with all my forest expertise. _ “Absolutely not.” Lance pressed on, completely disregarding any of Pidge’s comments. This was his letter damn it! He could write whatever he wanted!

_ Dude, I’m proud of you. Just keep pushing through; you’re turning around, I can see. ‘Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention. It’s easy to change if you give it your attention. All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be. _

_ Sincerely, Me _

Pidge took the laptop back to do some coding before opening up the program, ready for a new letter.

_ Dear Lance McClain, _

_ Thanks for every note you send. _

_ Dear Keith Kogane, _

_ I’m just glad to be your friend. Our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond. But not because we’re gay! _

_ Dear Lance McClain, _

_ No, not because we’re gay. The only man that I “love” is my dad! Well anyway, I’m getting better every day! _

_ Dear Keith Kogane, _

_ We’re getting better every day! 'Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention. It’s easy to change if you give it your attention. All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be. _

_ Sincerely, miss you dearly, Me _

They wrote a few more letters, talking about classes and girls and stuff. Normal, completely straight platonic best friend things.

Looking up at his alarm clock, Lance realised it was getting close to ten o’clock. They really should be getting to sleep. “Did you want to sleep over? It’s getting kinda late,” Lance offered, not wanting Pidge to have to drive home this late.

“Nah, it’s fine. Who knows what my parents would say if I slept here. They already think we’re dating.” Lance made a face of disgust as he realised what she was insinuating.

~~~~

After Pidge left, Lance changed into pyjamas and climbed into bed, falling asleep instantly.

“Lance! Lance!” he heard, slowly coming to consciousness. Couldn’t he wake up from his alarm for just  _ one _ day, please? There was always something going on in the house at seven in the morning and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept in till his alarm went off. This morning, it was his mother waking him claiming he’d slept enough.

“Morning, Mum,” he said, sticking his head out the door to greet her.

“You look awful. Not sleep well?”

“Thanks. I didn’t get to sleep till late. I’ll be fine for school though.”

“You better be. You’re not missing a day simply because you didn’t go to bed early enough.”

~~~~

“Allura!” Lance yelled over the loud students in the hall. He saw her head turn and catch him so he waved the letters above his head so she’d know what he had. “I got the letters for you.”

“Thank you, Lance. I really appreciate all you’ve done for my parents and me.” She paused and kissed Lance on the cheek as thank you. “My father and I are going to visit Keith this afternoon. We were wondering if you’d like to come too. You must be missing him.” She was so considerate of his feelings, just another reason Lance had a crush on her.

“I’d love to. I’ll meet you at your locker after school?”

“Sounds good, see you then.” Allura stepped out into the sea of students and quickly disappeared.

Lance made his way to his locker and imagined what it would have been like if he and Keith were actually friends. They would have walked to their lockers together, discussing girls, homework and anything else that they could think of. They would have walked to class together, only separating when they needed to go different ways. They would have always agreed to meet at lunch so neither spent it alone. Keith wouldn’t have to sit alone at the back of the classroom, dressed in jeans and his regular jumper. Maybe he wouldn’t have attempted what he did. Maybe they could have been good for each other. Maybe they could have saved each other.

Lance pulled himself from his fantasy as he walked into History. Fantasies were good for no one; all they did was make people want what they could never have.

~~~~

“Alfor, Allura, good afternoon. How are you feeling?” the receptionist at the hospital asked as they entered the building.

“Pretty good,” Alfor replied for all of them. He turned to Lance and Allura then, “You two go ahead. I’m just going to see if there is any news.” Allura nodded and headed down the hallway, Lance following close behind.

“He’s just in here,” Allura said, stopping at room #145. As the door opened, Lance heard the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor. Keith was laying peacefully in the bed and Lance gulped; if he’d just talked to Keith, they may not have been in this situation. Allura took a seat and looked glumly up at Keith. Lance took a seat on the other side of the boy as Alfor came into the room.

“No news,” he said, looking at Keith as tears began to pool in his eyes. “You know, the doctors say some comatose patients can hear. I like to think he can hear us.”

The four of them sat - well, Keith lay - and just talked. They talked about anything that came up: school, work, etc. After maybe a half-hour, Alfor explained that he and Allura would leave to let Lance talk to Keith alone. They said they’d already had their personal conversations with him and that they wanted Lance to have a chance to talk to Keith directly.

As the door closed, Lance sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Keith,” he began, trying to articulate his thoughts into understandable words. “I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to. Alfor just, he explained what you did and that you had my letter. He thought you’d written it to me and after looking at how upset he was, I just couldn’t tell him that it wasn’t your letter. Do you know how much your family loves you? I hope you do. Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry. I’m sorry about what I said but I’m also sorry about what you did. We weren’t friends, I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do. You could have spoken to me. We barely knew- know each other but I like to think we could have been friends if we tried.” Lance continued rambling until Alfor and Allura came and asked if he was ready to go. He said he was.

“Here you go,” Alfor said, pulling into Lance’s home’s driveway.

“Thank you for driving me home and for everything else,” Lance said, grabbing his school bag and sliding out of the car.

“Stay safe!” Alfor yelled, followed by Allura calling “I’ll see you tomorrow!” after him.

Lance unlocked the front door and opened it, quickly waving to the car to let them know he was safely indoors now. “I’m home!” Lance called into the strangely quiet house.

“Hi, honey. How was school?” his mother asked.

“Pretty good. I’ve got stacks of homework to do so if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go do that.” His mother nodded and he made his way upstairs, ready to start some of the work he’d been given.

Maybe half an hour or so later, his mother came upstairs and was knocking on his door. “Come in,” Lance called, pushing himself away from the desk a little to face the doorway.

“Lance, sweetie, Alfor, Keith’s father, just emailed me.” Lance shrunk into his seat. He probably should have told his family what had happened. They would have found out eventually and now it was coming to bite him in the butt.  _ Good job, Lance. Now they’ll worry more than they should. Though maybe that’s what you want. You like attention, don’t you? _ His thoughts started attacking him. Telling him he was useless and a burden. If he’d told his parents himself, they wouldn’t worry so much. They worry  _ because _ he keeps things from them.

“Mum-”

“No, sweetheart. You need to listen to me. I’m not mad you didn’t tell me what happened; I’m just worried about you. I know you have your own problems to deal with and I just want to make sure you’re okay after what your friend did. I don’t want it to affect you negatively because you’ve been doing really well.”

“I haven’t, Mum. I had a freaking panic attack yesterday! You call that  _ doing well _ !?” Lance was shouting, he didn’t want to be shouting. Shouting meant he was angry but he wasn’t. He could never be angry at his own mother after everything she’d done for him.

“Lance, it’s okay to be upset. You’ve been through a lot. I’m sorry. I just- I don’t want- I want to make sure you never feel the same way Keith did. I don’t want you to think you can’t talk to me or your psychiatrist or anyone else. I don’t want to lose you, okay? So please, please promise me if you ever feel like-like you want to die, I beg you to talk to someone.”

“Mum, I’m okay. I don’t want that. I’m okay.” Lies. It’s all lies. “I’m fine,” Lance said, nodding as if that would help confirm the fact.

“Okay, sweetie. But if you’re ever not okay, please talk to someone. Whether it’s me or Kate or Dr Williams, I don’t care. As long as you don’t hold it in. Promise me you won’t keep it to yourself if you ever feel that way?” She looked so heartbroken and Lance hadn’t even done anything.

He agreed, even if it was a complete and utter lie. He didn’t think he was strong enough to go through with his thoughts, not again anyway - it was hard enough convincing himself he needed to the first time. Ever since he broke his arm, he’d resorted to fantasising about what would have happened if he had succeeded in taking his own life; he liked to imagine how everyone would have reacted. That was his coping mechanism.

And whoever said imagining something meant you were destined to act on it? He had sick fantasies about bleeding out or overdosing, even drowning. That’s how he’d learnt to handle his twisted thoughts. It must have been working right? After all, he was still breathing. Still convincing his mother he was fine while a small part of his mind yelled at him to tell someone.

“Goodnight, sweetie. I love you,” she said, kissing his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Feedback/Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Check out my tumblr if you’re interested in more —> https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


	3. Chapter 3

Allura picked up another box and placed it in the middle of the room. Opening it caused her to cough at the dust. “Thanks for helping,” Allura said, beginning to sort through the next box.

“It’s no problem. I love helping people clean through their garages.” Lance smiled at her before going to grab another box.

“I’m sorry, I know this likely _isn’t_ how you wanted to spend your Saturday.” Lance pulled the box over and opened it.

“It’s fine. Just glad I could help.” Truth be told, Lance didn’t really wish to spend his Saturday helping her clean out her garage but it was time spent with her nonetheless. He did have lots of work to do though and he’d surely fall behind if he began helping everyone clean through their spare boxes of stuff.

Lance pulled out a small album and looked it over. There were winnie the pooh characters on the front and a picture of who Lance assumed as a five-year-old Keith. He looked up to Allura to notice her smiling slightly at the book.

“I remember the day he came to live with us. He was so happy to finally have a family. That photo was taken on his first day in our family.” Allura put the snowglobe she had in her hand down and moved next to Lance, taking the album from his hands. She opened the cover slowly and the first photo was of Allura and her parents. She was holding their hands and the Eiffel tower was in the background. There were a few more pages of Allura with her parents before a new page with large letters saying ‘The newest addition to the family’. Below, was a picture of Keith with a small backpack on and tattered clothing. The next few pages were all centered around him and his first few weeks living with them.

“He was a cute kid,” Lance said, continuing to look at the pictures.

“He was so happy. He never had a care in the world after we adopted him.” Allura turned the page and there was one of Allura on her mother’s shoulders and Keith on her dad’s. They all had massive smiles on their faces and disney ears on their heads. They looked like a picture perfect family, the kind of one Lance used to dream of.

She flicked through a few more pages before closing the book and placing it on top of one of the many boxes. They both continued to sort through their respective boxes, Lance respecting their privacy and not opening any of the many baby and kid themed items.

“We used to fight a lot, did you know that?” Lance remained silent, a quiet way of reassuring her it was okay to continue. “We were happy as kids, but one day he just, changed. We woke up, got ready for school like any day but he just seemed a little more distant from the rest of us. I didn’t do anything to stop it. I figured he was just getting older.” Allura paused, seeming to rethink what she was saying.

“Allura,” Lance started but quickly quietened as she held her hand up.

“No, don’t. It’s my fault. We were so close as kids, so happy. I remember the halloweens, the picnics we used to have at the secret lake. We used to be a happy family. But then, he started drifting away. Someone switched off the light and it never quite came back on. We argued, hated each other. I- I used to tell him,” she paused, taking a breath. “I used to tell him I wished he was dead. I never thought- I didn’t think he’d actually try.” Lance moved over to her and sat on the box.

“It’s not your fault,” he tried, gesturing her to take a seat next to him.

“It is. I shouted at him, wishing he would die. If I didn’t, maybe he’d still be here.”

“He is here. He’s in the hospital, not gone. You can still see him, talk to him. It’s not your fault, okay? He was sick, he had a mental disorder, you couldn’t change that. It’s a part of who he wa- is.”

“But- but I should have realised. I should have talked to him. I should have-” Allura was cut off by Lance grabbing her hand and intertwining their fingers.

“It’s not your fault. Listen to me, you couldn’t have changed anything. He was sick. Your dad, me, you, none of us realised but that does not mean it’s our fault.” Lance let go of her hand as he stood up, turning to face her.

“We used to talk, a lot. One of his favorite topics though, was you. He would tell me how he hated what he’d done to your relationship. He told me how awful he felt for how he’d treated you.

“I remember, we were walking through a forest one day, it was silent aside from the birds and breeze. I remember it was really cold, we had jackets but were still freezing, you could see our breaths. He turned to me and said that he’d ruined everything. I wasn’t sure what he meant at the time so I asked. He explained how you used to be best friends as kids. He told be about halloween nights when you dressed up and went trick or treating.

“But he said that all changed when he went to high school. He started sleeping less, spending nights contemplating anything. He said one morning, he couldn’t get himself to interact with anyone, even though he wanted to. He said it just went downhill from there. You two grew further and further apart, but he didn’t want that. He wanted to be your brother, your friend. But he didn’t know how to talk to you. He didn’t know what to say. How to mend what he’d broken. But he wanted to, and that’s all that matters, right?”

“I guess, but-”

“He loved you, more than you could ever know. He just- he didn’t know how to express it.” Lance took a seat again, next to Allura and intertwined their fingers once again. “He’s not gone yet. He’s still here. There’s still time to mend what’s been damaged.” Lance, caught up in the emotion in the conversation, cupped her cheek with his free hand. Before he could rethink his actions, he lent forward and pressed lips to lips in a quick kiss.

Pulling back, he realised what he’d just done and bolted upright. He looked at her, with her shocked face and wide eyes, before he stood and left, mumbling something about having to get home.

_Oh god. Oh god. Oh god._ It was all he could think, his mind repeating it in a mantra. He walked the not-so-familiar streets home, using his phone as a gps. Once he’d made it safely inside, he ran up to his room and collapsed onto his bed, hating life. A few minutes later, there was a light knock at his door and he sniffled, twisting his head to see Kate staring at him with sad eyes.

“Lance, what happened?” she said, taking a seat next to him and lightly rubbing his arm, knowing mild physical touch calmed him. He sniffled again and used his uncasted arm to wipe away the tear tracks on his cheeks, unsure when they even got there.

He grabbed his pillow and placed his head directly into it, letting out muffled screams. Kate asked again what had happened but Lance refused to answer. This was a personal moment, one he didn’t wish to share with his sister. He’d kissed Allura! Why did he do that again?

He was so caught up in the memories and hating himself that he hadn’t realised Kate had left. She returned a few minutes later with a glass of water and a damp cloth. She placed the glass on his bedside table and rolled him over, head resting on the pillow, and placed the cloth on his head.

Lance lay there for a bit, feeling the cool towel soak up his worries. After about ten minutes, he removed the cloth, sitting up and feeling a bit better than he had been. “How are you feeling?” Kate asked, handing the water to him which he took and drank thankfully.

“Alright I guess, thanks.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lance shook his head and she sighed. “If you won’t talk to me, can you promise you’ll talk to someone? Dr Williams, Pidge, I don’t mind. I just don’t like you keeping things in.” Lance looked up to see her sad face, full of worry. Lance could never lie to her.

“I’ll talk to someone. I don’t know who but I’ll talk to someone, okay?”

“Thank you, Lance. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

~~~~

The next morning, Lance groaned and rolled over. He couldn’t do school today. He just needed one more day of weekend. Maybe he just couldn’t think of seeing Allura. Oh god that would be so awkward.

He lay on his stomach, face in his pillow and didn’t make any move to get up. Maybe if he laid there long enough, time would rewind and it would be weekend again. But, unfortunately, that’s not how the laws of the universe worked.

“How are you this morning Lance?” his mother asked, looking into his blue eyes for any sign that he wasn’t feeling well.

“I’m feeling a bit sick,” he said honestly.

“Oh, what kind of sick?”

“Um, I feel like I’m gonna be sick, and I have a headache. I- I don’t want to go to school.” His mother looked at him worriedly, brushing his fringe out of his eyes.

“Would you like some panadol?” Lance only nodded in reply, not feeling like speaking. He really just wanted to sleep but after medication, he could go back to sleep. His mother left for a few minutes before returning with a fresh glass of water and two little pills. Lance swallowed them and took his other medication before lying back in bed. His mother kissed his forehead and told him to get some rest and not to worry about school.

Hours later, Lance woke up with only a slight headache. The drugs were probably starting to wear off by now. Checking his phone, he saw it was just past ten in the morning. Rolling out of bed, he pulled his shirt down, as it had ridden up his chest, and adjusted his pants before heading downstairs.

No one was home aside from his grandmother, so he said good morning to her and put some bread in the toaster. He grabbed his phone again and checked his email, messages, and calls. He had a message from Pidge asking where he was. He quickly wrote out a reply saying he wasn’t coming in and put his phone down, getting the butter from the fridge to make his toast.

His grandmother was resting on the couch so Lance chose to have his breakfast outside on the small porch their house had. The air was cold, biting at his cheeks and arms which were not covered by his pajamas.

~~~~

“Lance, Pidge is here to see you!” his father called from downstairs. Lance quickly climbed out of bed and met her at the door.

“Hey, just thought I’d drop off the missed work we did in class today. You’ll have to catch up with Mrs Anderson though, I don’t have her for anything so couldn’t get your work,” Pidge explained, holding out papers for Lance to take.

“Gee, thanks,” he replied jokingly, accepting the papers Pidge was giving him. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

“I’m alright, got work to get done. Thanks anyway. Oh, um, Allura asked me where you were today.” Pidge seemed to insinuate this was good news but to Lance it was anything but. Shying away, he quietly asked what she wanted. “She didn’t say. Just that she needed to talk to you.”

Before he was really aware of what he was saying, he blurted out “I kissed her.”

“You what?!” Pidge was interested now. Lance was never going to live this down, he was sure.

“I kissed her, yesterday, at her house.” He was sure his cheeks were turning pink, remembering how he’d ran like a coward.

“Well, it didn’t seem like she hated you when I saw her. She just seemed worried. Give her a call, see what she wanted.”

“I don’t have her number. I’ll just see her tomorrow.”

“Here,” Pidge said simply, holding out a crumpled piece of paper out. “I got it from her today,” she explained, pushing the paper into his hands.

“Oh, uh, thanks?” Lance had no way of getting out of it now. Maybe it was better just to bite the bullet and call anyway. He couldn’t avoid her forever.

“I should probably get going. Homework and all that. See ya tomorrow!” With that, Pidge turned and walked down the short driveway, turning the corner towards her house a few streets over.

Walking back inside, Lance heard his younger sister yell “Lance!”

“Rose, you lost a tooth!” Lance picked his sister up, examining the gap in her mouth that she was clearly proud of. Putting her back on the ground, he said “The tooth fairy will come tonight. Are you excited?”

“Uh huh! I’m gonna stay awake and see her!”

“That’ll be exciting, won’t it? You know, no one’s ever seen her. You’ll be very special if she reveals herself to you.”

“Who’s Keef?” she asked.

“Who?” Rose simply pointed to his cast where Keith’s name was written. “Oh, he’s my... friend. He signed my cast.”

“When can I meet him?” She was sounding out her letters, probably a little annoyed at her new lisp.

“Um, I don’t think you will.”

“Why?”

“Well, um, he’s gone away for a while. I’m not sure when he’ll be back. He signed my cast just before he left.” Lance guessed that was the easiest way to explain the situation to a little kid. It was believable enough.

“He’ll come back. Friends don’t leave forever. He’ll always he here,” she said, placing her hand on Lance’s chest, over his heart. Lance smiled, loving how innocent and carefree children are. He lightly grabbed her hand, kissing it and patting it.

“Run along now, go help mamá with dinner.”

“Okay!” She ran off at that, heading straight to the kitchen leaving Lance to think about what she’d said.

She didn’t understand the complexity of the situation he was in. Of course she wouldn’t. But she was trying to help and that was the sweetest part about his sister. Without really understanding, she always managed to make him and others feel better.

~~~~

The next morning, Lance climbed out of bed and got ready as if it were a normal Tuesday morning. It was a normal Tuesday morning, but that’s beside the point. He got ready for school quietly, ate breakfast quietly, got a lift to school quietly. He just wasn’t in the mood to talk.

He climbed out of the car and shrugged his backpack up onto his shoulders, turning to wave goodbye to Kate.

Inside the school, he made his way through the crowded corridors towards his locker. He transfered books and closed the door, jumping at Allura who’d had appeared behind it yet again. “You really need to stop doing that,” Lance joked, trying to ignore the elephant in the room.

“About Sunday,” she began and Lance was already dreading what she’d say. “I think we- I think we should just be friends. I like you, just, not like that. I see you as a friend. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I was stupid.”

“No, I’m flattered. It’s just-.”

“It’s fine,” he said, with a nod to show that he really meant it. “You don’t have to explain yourself.” Lance turned then, ready to get out of the awkward conversation and go straight to class.

The day was as boring as ever; nothing interesting ever happened. Lance sighed, swapping out his books for his last class of the day, quickly checking his phone for any messages.

“Okay class, settle down. I’ve got a task for you to work on over the next week,” the teacher explained, pausing as he continued handing out a slip of paper. Moving back to the front of the room, he continued, “This will be a group presentation, not marks. It’s just for me to see your skill levels in presenting to the class. Groups are as follows. Charlotte, Jake, April and Dominic. Carl, Will, Gabriel and Rachel. Eliza, Lance, Abby and Dario.”

The teacher continued to list names but Lance no longer paid attention. He knew his group and now it was time to panic about a group task _and_ a presentation. How evil was this teacher? Mr Newman was quickly becoming his least favorite teacher even though he was teaching Spanish and that was one of Lance’s most enjoyable subjects.

“Lance,” someone said, drawing him out of his thoughts. Looking towards the voice, he saw a boy with tanned skin and bright green eyes. Two others stood behind him and Lance took them to be Abby and Eliza. “I’m Dario. This is my sister, Abby and this is Eliza.” The three of them pulled chairs around Lance’s desk and sat.

“Oh, um, I’m Lance.” He smiled, trying to be polite before he realised, “But, y-you already know th-that.”

His knew group seemed to ignore his stutter which he was thankful for as Abby started directing the group towards the task.

~~~~

After the final bell rang, Lance made his way to where his mother was parked. He climbed into the car, putting his bag on the floor next to him.

“How was your day?” his mother asked, turning the ignition on.

“Alright.”

“Look, I hope you don’t mind but I booked you another appointment with Dr Williams. You just seem a bit off lately and I want you to talk to him. I know the whole Keith thing must have hit you hard and I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

At first, Lance wanted to be sarcastic and reply with something like “gee, thanks,” but he couldn’t will himself to do so. His mother was clearly worried and he didn’t want to distress her even more. “Okay. When?”

“Thursday at 2:30. I’ll pick you up from school.” Silence fell over them as they travelled home. Lance looked out the window seeing houses, trees, children, pets. They flew by fast and Lance remembered his conversation with Allura on Sunday.

“Mum, can you drop me off somewhere?”

“Where?”

“The hospital. I want to visit Keith.” Lance looked down, feeling slightly self-conscious.

“Of course.” She changed their course and within a few minutes, Lance had arrived. “Just text me when you want to be picked up, okay?”

“Thanks mum.” Lance waved her goodbye before turning into the hospital and heading towards room #145 which he silently praised himself for remembering. He stopped outside the room, seeing a figure sitting beside the bed through the fogged glass.

“You ruined everything, you know that?” It was Allura speaking, that much Lance could tell. “You tore up our family. You broke dad and mum. You couldn’t even finish the job.” Lance felt guilty listening. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew this was a personal moment meant just for her and her brother. He wasn’t supposed to hear any of this.

“The doctors say it’s your choice whether you wake up or not. But the part that hurts is that I wouldn’t care if you chose to give up. I wouldn’t care if you- if you left us. Cause when villains fall, the kingdoms never weep. You were the villain, you know that? People keep asking if I’m okay like I’m not supposed to be. Everyone says how wonderful you were and how sorry they are that you’re in this bed. They expect me to curl up in my bed and cry at night, but I don’t. Why should I play the grieving girl and lie, saying that I miss you? Because I don’t. Why should I say my world has gone dark without you here?” Lance heard her pause and sniffle.

“Don’t tell me that I had it wrong. Don’t tell me that it wasn’t black and white. Don’t say that you weren’t the monster that I knew. Because you tore apart our family. It’s your choice if you want to make the final tear, ripping our family apart for good. Or you can wake up and spend years mending what you’ve destroyed. The choice is yours.” Allura finished speaking and Lance walked quickly down the hallway, turning into the nearest bathroom to get away. He didn’t really want Allura knowing he’d heard her entire conversation, especially since they’re already not on the best terms.

After hiding out in the bathroom for around twenty minutes, Lance made his way back to Keith’s room. He knocked on the door in case anyone was in there and went in, finding it empty. He took a seat next to the bed and looked at Keith’s pale face.

“Hey Keith. So I kinda overheard what Allura said to you and I need you to listen to me. She doesn’t hate you. She’s just worried and scared; she didn’t know how to react. The doctors are right, you know. It is your choice to wake up or not. I hope you choose what’s right for you, whether that’s letting go or coming back. Make your decision for you, not for Allura, or your dad or mum or anyone else. It’s your choice, you’ll have to live with it. Well, you know what I mean. Anyway, choose what you want. No one will hate you for your decision, regardless of what you pick.” Lance paused, not sure what else to say. “Just, stay safe until you decide, okay? I’ll be back soon.”

He pushed Keith’s hair out of his eyes and left the room, texting his mother that he was ready to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Feedback/Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Check out my tumblr if you’re interested in more —> https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


	4. Chapter 4

_Lance wandered through the forest slowly. There was no point in rushing this. The trees were heavy but moonlight trickled through every so often, lighting the rocky path he walked along. He sighed, watching the way his breath formed a cloud in the cool air._

_Stumbling, he continued to walk the path he’d taken many times before. Except this time it was midnight, and he wouldn’t be walking back home after a few hours._

_The clearing came into view soon enough. There was a decent-sized lake, surrounded by rocks on one side. Lance knew the rocks followed the river towards the ocean, he’d walked along them one day._

_He glared at the lake that would soon be his resting bed. He was a dead man walking at this point. It was only a matter of time. He climbed up onto the rocks, ready to meet his demise. The rocks were a little slippery as it had rained earlier that day but that wouldn’t stop him._

_Sitting down, he looked out to the lake which had the moon reflecting on the smooth surface. This was perhaps the most peaceful he’d felt in a long time, maybe his entire life. There was no rush to do this, he could take his time. He_ wanted _to take his time._

_The night’s breeze rushed over him, ruffling his clothes and hair but he only could think how wonderfully calm this place was. No people, no conversations, no expectations, no anxiety. There was nothing other than him, the moon and the deep water of the lake._

_He chose to lay back on the rocks, looking up at the almost-full moon and stars. No one could stop him from here, his family was asleep and no one else would go looking for the quiet boy who stuttered when asked his name. Why would they?_

_He stood up again, deciding there was no more waiting. He’d planned this day three weeks in advance and there was no backing down. You may be wondering why he chose this day specifically. Well, it’s been exactly five years since he was diagnosed with social anxiety._

_Seemed like a fitting end to his five years of struggle through medications, therapies and over-worried parents. Sliding his joggers off, he stepped into the water, shivering at how cold it was, even in summer. He took another step, and another, ready for his awful life to end._

_That was the last thing he remembered before waking up the next morning, mostly soaked in water and a throbbing pain in his left arm. He lifted his head, which was pounding, and looked around. He was partially on the rocks but his legs and stomach were submerged in the cold lake._

_Lifting his hand to his head, he hissed, drawing it back. Using his right arm, as his left was in immeasurable amounts of pain, he pulled himself onto the rocks, laying on his back._

_Eventually, he convinced himself to get up. He clearly wasn’t dead, and lying here would accomplish nothing. He began making his way back through the forest, now a lot more clear with the sun’s bright light coming through the leaves._

_He stumbled home slowly, not seeing any reason to rush. He could feel his brain pushing against his skull in a constant throb and he struggled to move his left arm without jerking from pain._

_He unlocked the front door, using the key in the hanging pot plant out front and went inside, closing the door behind him. Before he’d even taken one step forward, his mother’s arms were around him and she was sobbing._

_“Mum,” he tried but was quickly stopped when she pulled back and slapped him. His right hand came up to cradle his face, eyes wide in shock._

_“Don’t you dare do that again! We had no idea where you were. Kate and Amy cancelled work to go looking for you and the kids are worried sick like the rest of us. What the hell were you thinking?!” she yelled at him, tears still pouring down her face._

_“I’m sorry,” was all Lance said. What could he say? He obviously couldn’t tell her where he’d went and what he’d planned to do. He silently thanked his past self for not leaving a note as that would have only made them worry more._

He stirred, uncomfortable, and slowly blinked his eyes open. He came face to face with his bedroom wall and he rolled onto his back, sighing and thinking about his dream or flashback or whatever it was.

It was scarily realistic, almost as if he were reliving those events again. He remembered how his mother rushed them to emergency services and called his sisters on the way, letting them know he was safe.

Shivering at the thought, he climbed out of bed and started getting ready. He still had stuff to do that day after all. Even though the idea of lying in bed for an entire day, doing absolutely nothing, sounded absolutely wonderful, he knew he’d never be allowed without a legitimate reason.

He moved through his regular morning routine on autopilot, not really needing to pay much attention. Every morning was the same. He climbed into his sister’s car, didn’t say a word on the trip to school, and climbed out silently.

School was perhaps the worst thing about that day. He’d have to interact with strangers and people he barely knew and he couldn’t even muster up a ‘good morning’ to his family. Today was going to be an awful day.

Maths was boring, English was boring, even Spanish was boring. The teacher droned on and on about their presentations but never let them actually work on them. Though Lance wasn’t sure how helpful he’d be while in the lethargic state where he moved through the world on automatic.

Lunch was as boring as ever. Lance chose to sit in the library and read since no one ever went there during lunchtime unless they were an antisocial bookworm, in which case they wouldn’t try to speak with him anyway.

His father picked him up from school which was more than unusual. He was nearly always at work during the day and when he came home, he had dinner, kissed his wife goodnight and went straight to bed. It wasn’t that Lance didn’t love him, it’s just they hardly got to spend any time together. Something must have happened for him to be picking him up.

“How was school?” Lance slung his bag off his shoulders and slid into the seat.

“Same as always,” he replied simply.

“Listen, this morning,” he paused, allowing Lance to prepare for the conversation ahead. “I don’t know what you were doing, none of us do. But when we woke up, and you weren’t home, you left your phone behind so we had no way of contacting you. We were so worried, we didn’t know where you were, who you were with or what you were doing.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m not looking for an apology that doesn’t really mean anything. I want you to understand how terrified everyone was this morning. We all love you so much, and when you disappear, we get so worried.” Lance remained silent.

He’d thought about how his family would react, of course he had. He just never imagined it being this bad. He knew they cared, and that they’d be sad, the problem was when he was that low, it didn’t matter how everyone would react.

“You probably won’t tell anyone where you were, you clearly don’t want anyone knowing. Just, if you do it again, leave us a note, or wake us up and tell us. Just so we know where you are and that you’re safe.”

Lance chose to stay quiet, he didn’t exactly know what to say. His father was never this emotional with him, his father didn’t like him having anxiety. He’d said it was “unmanly.” He doesn’t say that anymore though, Kate had started yelling at him every time he did.

However, even though he never said it anymore, the message is still there, underlying his words, and the memories were ingrained in his mind. They arrived home and Lance climbed out, walking quickly inside and up to his room.

~~~~

“Hey,” Lance said, opening the door and stepping aside to allow Pidge in.

“Hi.” Pidge followed Lance upstairs and into his room. They worked on some schoolwork for a half hour before they were called down for dinner.

“Amy, what’s for dinner?” Pidge asked, taking a seat at the table.

“Homemade pizzas,” Amy answered, taking them out of the oven. The dinner table was loud as people had multiple different conversations. Pidge was talking about some program she was developing that Lance’s mother likely had no understanding of but was nodding politely anyway.

After dinner, Pidge and Lance made their way back upstairs. Lance fell onto his bed, face down, exhausted. His phone buzzed so he lifted his head to check; he had a message from Allura. Opening his phone, he read the message, _I like Shiro, sorry. I still want to be friends though :)_

Lance sighed, dropping his head back onto the bed. “Well aren’t you in a good mood. But don’t fret, I know how to make it better. How about we pretend to be a comatose boy? That’s always lifted your spirits before.” Lance knew she was joking but that didn’t stop him getting angry.

“What the hell, Pidge? That’s not fucking funny.” He shocked himself by how aggressive he sounded but didn’t apologise. Pidge is the one who should be saying sorry for making that joke.

“Aww, someone grew a soft spot for coma boy, huh? That’s cute. Now come on, we got some pre-suicide attempt letters to write.”

“Get out,” Lance muttered, having had enough of her inappropriate jokes that aren’t even slightly funny.

“What?”

“I said get out!” Lance yelled, standing from his bed to tower over Pidge. She didn’t even look scared, probably well aware that Lance couldn’t even hurt a fly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I’d hit such a soft spot. I’ll stop joking about it.”

“Please, just leave. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Lance was too exhausted to yell again and Pidge seemed to get the hint.

“Okay, sorry. I’ll see you tomorrow.” With that, Pidge left his room and Lance heard the front door open and close.

He collapsed onto the bed again, too tired to move. He got up after lying there for another ten minutes and changed into his pyjamas before climbing into bed properly. Turning the bedside lamp off, he closed his eyes and fell asleep quickly.

_He was walking through the forest again. It was dark out, only a little moonlight pushing its way past the dense leaves. He picked up his speed a little, desperate to get to the clearing. He slowed down though after he tripped over a root. It was too dark to move quickly. There was no real rush anyway; no one could stop him from here._

_The breeze ruffled his clothes and hair as he walked the almost nonexistent pathway. “No one deserves to disappear,” something whispered. Lance assumed it was his own brain playing tricks on him, no one else was in the forest._

_He tripped over a rock, landing face down in the dirt. Sighing, he got up, sitting back on his heels. “No one deserves to be forgotten,” the voice was getting louder, closer. Lance stood and began walking a little quicker. It was probably just his mind messing with him but if someone was there, he didn’t want them following and stopping his plans. Maybe the voice wouldn’t care; maybe they’d let him climb into the lake and drift into a endless sleep._

_He entered the clearing and wasted no time. He climbed onto the rocks, took off his shoes and took his first step into the ice-cold water. “No one deserves to fade away,” the voice was to Lance’s right. Looking over, he saw Keith. He was standing there, mullet hair and all, watching him with sad eyes about a metre away._

_“What the hell are you doing here?” Lance said, confused and scared._

_“Even if you’ve always been that barely-in-the-background kind of guy, you still matter.” Keith took a step forward and unfolded his long arms. “Even if you’re somebody who can’t escape the feeling that the world’s passed you by,” Keith trailed off, expecting Lance to continue._

_“You still matter,” Lance mumbled sarcastically, looking down. He didn’t believe what he’d said. He didn’t matter; he just created worry and stress for everyone around him, especially his family._

_“No one should flicker out. No one should have any doubt that it matters that they are here.”_

_Lance took a step back, deeper into the water, shaking his head as tears spilt out of his eyes._

_“No one deserves to be forgotten.” Keith stepped forward, feet entering the water. He reached his hand out for Lance, giving him the choice. Rather than reaching for his hand, Lance slid and sat on a rock near the edge of the lake._

_Keith squatted in front of him, a small smile on his face. Lance had his head down, tears in his eyes but looked up when Keith placed a finger under his chin to tilt his head up. Keith’s face was so close to his, his breath fanning out across Lance’s face._

_“No one deserved to fade away,” Keith said again before standing. He extended his hand again and Lance accepted it, being pulled out of the shallow water. “Thank you,” Keith whispered before disappearing from the clearing._

_Lance looked around, wondering where the other boy went but he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. If it hadn’t felt so real, Lance would have guessed the entire interaction was his mind playing with his thoughts. He lay down on the cold rocks and looked up at the moon._

“Lancy-Lance!” Olivia called.

“Olivia? What are you doing here?” Olivia was Lance’s niece but she lived with a foster family. Amy was too young to raise a baby when Olivia was born (and their parents couldn’t afford another mouth to feed, no matter how much they wished they could) so she was given to a lovely foster family. They still kept in contact but her foster family had moved to Britain when she was only a toddler.

“Mama and Papa decided we needed a holiday and let me choose where we went,” she said, smiling widely. Lance sat up and looked at her properly. She had grown considerably since Lance has seen her around eight years ago. She had lovely brown waves matching her mother’s hair and bright green eyes like her father.

“You’ve grown so much.” Lance hugged her tightly and kissed her head. He’s always been close with his niece despite the fact that they lived in different countries. They skyped multiple times a week and told each other everything.

“I haven’t grown that much. Besides, you knew what I looked like from our ridiculous amount of skype calls.”

“True. But that still doesn’t compare to seeing you in real life.”

“Ollie!” someone, probably Amy, called from downstairs.

“I’ve got to go. Mum will kill me otherwise.”

“She might kill you if you go; her hugs are deadly,” Lance joked, letting Olivia go downstairs to catch up with the rest of the family. He got ready quickly, taking his meds and brushing his teeth.

“Olivia’s going to Disney World today but will be back here for dinner with Amelia and Jake,” Amy explained as she set the table.

“That’s exciting. Have you been to Disney World before?”

Olivia shook her head, “No, but I’m really excited. We’re going to the Magic Kingdom.” Lance listened excitedly as he ate breakfast. Olivia had the most wonderful stories about her school back in Britain.

“Lance, ready to go?” Kate called, jingling her car keys to prove her point.

“Yep. See you tonight, Livvy.” He kissed her head again as she said goodbye.

~~~~

After school, Lance made his way over to Allura’s house. She’d invited him over and while Lance knew it would likely be a little awkward, he was looking forward to it. He’d rather be friends with Allura than complete strangers.

“I’m home Dad!” Allura yelled into the house. “Lance is here too.”

They went into Allura’s room and began working on school work. They didn’t share many classes together but there was just something about being with another student that made homework easier.

However easy it was though, they did eventually get distracted. They began talking about the summer break that had only ended a few weeks ago, school, and eventually Keith.

“How have you been handling everything with, well, Keith?” Lance asked, trying to sound sincere and as if he hadn’t overheard her conversation with Keith at the hospital.

“Honestly, I just want everyone to stop asking me about it. There are other things going on in my life and I’m sick of everyone asking if I’m okay.” Lance was a little taken back by her straightforward response but nodded and apologised nonetheless.

“Anyway, I’m gonna go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” Allura stood and left the room while Lance turned back to his work.

“Allura,” Alfor called, looking into the lounge. “Lance, where’s Allura?” He sounded kind of distressed and Lance hoped everything was okay.

“Uh, bathroom,” Lance replied, opting not to ask why he was anxious as it likely had nothing to do with him.

“Oh, okay. I’ve got to run. The hospital just called and Keith is getting worse. They aren’t sure he’ll make it through the night.”

“Oh god. Um, Allura will probably want to go to and it’s getting close to dinner so I’ll head home.” Lance stood, beginning to pack his stuff as Allura returned.

“Dad, what’s going on?”

“Keith’s getting worse. The doctors aren’t sure he’ll survive the night. I need to go in and you can come with me if you want. Lance is heading home.”

“I’ll go,” Allura said as Lance swung his back onto his back.

“Thanks for having me.” He began to leave before he turned to look back at the two of them, “Can you let me know how he’s doing as soon as you know?” Allura and Alfor both nodded and Lance said a final goodbye before leaving and beginning the walk home.

~~~~

“You’re home earlier than expected,” Kate said from the lounge as Lance walked in.

“Yeah, Allura and her dad had an emergency.” Kate must have heard the worry in his tone as she looked over to him with sad eyes.

“Keith?”

“Yeah. The hospital called and apparently he’s getting worse. They aren’t sure he’ll make it through the night.” Kate stood at his words and moved forward, wrapping him in a tight hug.

“I hope he’ll be okay,” she said, kissing his head.

“Me too,” Lance replied, and it didn’t feel like a lie. He genuinely wanted Keith to get better despite only having negative interactions together. Maybe they could help each other get better.

Pulling away from him to speak, she kindly asked, “Do you want dinner?”

“No. I think I’m gonna head straight to bed.”

“Okay, I understand. I’ll let mum know for you.”

“Thanks. Night.” Lance turned and began to climb the staircase and entered his room. He chucked his school bag on his desk chair and quickly changed into pyjamas.

Landing on the bed, he tucked himself in and closed his eyes. He wasn’t too tired yet but he was too mentally exhausted to do anything so he opted to lay in bed and think about anything and everything.

~~~~

“Lance, can I come in?” Lance mumbled out a response and the door opened to reveal his mother. “How are you feeling this morning?” she asked, sounding sincere and worried.

“Alright. Just worried, I guess. Keith could be dead and I wouldn’t know.”

“Hey, don’t think like that. I’m sure they’d let you know if anything happened. Do you want to stay home today? Take a mental health day?”

“Yes please. I don’t think I can physically do school today.”

“That’s okay sweetie. Just stay here. I’ll bring some breakfast up for you in half an hour. I love you.”

“I love you too, mum. Thanks.” And so Lance spent the day in bed. His mother brought breakfast as she said she would and checked up on him every couple hours.

He did manage to get himself out of bed and dressed into clothes as a desperate attempt at making himself feel even slightly better. It didn’t work.

It was around one in the afternoon when Allura finally called him. “Hey,” Lance said after the second ring.

“Hi Lance. I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner. Had a bit of a busy night and morning. I was just calling to let you know Keith’s still alive. He’s not doing well, the doctors moved him to the ICU but he’s alive. Apparently he slipped for a few seconds but they were able to get his heart beating again,” Allura explained through the phone.

“Oh god. That’s really bad. Can I come visit you in the hospital?”

“You can’t, sorry Lance. The hospital’s rules are family-only for ICU patients.”

“Oh, ok. Well, how are you going?”

“Alright, I guess. There’s just a lot to do. Listen, I’ve got to go, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow okay?”

“Okay, thanks. Bye.”

“Bye.” Allura hung up quickly after her reply and Lance hoped everything would be okay.

He decided to make an appearance downstairs and wandered into the kitchen.

“What are you doing home?” Lance asked as he saw Kate sitting at the kitchen table hunched over her laptop.

“Study day,” she said simply. Lance moved to the fridge and pulled out the milk carton. “Is Keith going okay?” she asked, not looking up from her laptop.

Lance poured the milk into his bowl and hummed, “Yeah, he’s alive. He was moved to the ICU but he’s alive so that’s good.”

“Poor dear. He doesn’t deserve this. No one should feel that low.” Lance just hummed again in neither agreement nor disagreement. Moving into the lounge, he fetched the tv remote and settled himself on the couch for a long afternoon of watching reality tv shows.

After finishing his cereal, he grabbed his drawing book and pencil from the coffee table and began to sketch. He wasn’t really focussing on what he was drawing but it was relaxing nonetheless.

He looked down at his drawing and actually saw what he was drawing. He tended to switch off while sketching but every so often he’d properly look at what his subconscious mind was thinking about.

This time, his subconscious had apparently been thinking of the lake clearing in the middle of the forest nearby. However, in the drawing, he wasn’t alone like he was every other time he went there. Keith was with him. They were sitting on the rocks, looking out at the lake with the moon and stars reflecting off it. However, having someone there wasn’t the part that shocked Lance the most. In the drawing, which he’d created while only half paying attention, had Lance and Keith holding hands.

Lance was beyond confused as to why his subconscious mind would want to draw Keith and himself holding hands but he left it be. He would just have to make sure no one in his family ever saw this particular drawing.

“Who’s that?” a voice asked behind Lance. He jumped, using his hands to cover the drawing. Olivia was standing behind the couch, a smug look on her face as she moved to take a seat.

“No one,” Lance replied.

“I doubt that. You drew the two of you holding hands, looking at a lake during the middle of the night. Seems pretty romantic if you ask me. Now, who is he?” Lance was thankful for the fact that she didn’t even bat an eye that he’d drawn Keith, a boy. But he still didn’t want to answer the question.

“I said it’s no one.”

“Does someone have a little crush?” she teased lightheartedly.

“No, I don’t.”

“Okay,” she said, drawing out the vowel to show that she didn’t believe him the slightest bit.

“Do you have a crush on anyone?” Lance asked, desperate to get the topic off himself.

“Well, I’ll tell you if you promise not to tell anyone else.” Lance nodded and crossed his heart. “There’s a girl in the year above me. Her name’s Danielle and she’s absolutely gorgeous. She’s got reddish-brown hair and heaps of freckles on her face and I’m rambling...” she trailed off as she realised and blushed more than she already was.

“She sounds wonderful. Why don’t you ask her out?”

“Are you kidding?! She’d never like me!”

“You’ll never know if you don’t ask,” Lance commented.

“Fine. How about a deal? I’ll ask her out if you ask out the boy in the drawing,” Olivia had always been good at making deals to get what she wanted, even if this was exactly what she was scared of.

“Okay, deal.”

“I want you to actually ask though. No giving a piece of paper or outright lying when I ask you how it went. You actually have to ask because that’s the deal and that’s what I’m doing.”

“Okay, fine. I won’t lie. I will properly ask him as long as you ask Danielle first.”

“Fine, but you better not chicken out. And remember, don’t tell anyone. It’s our little secret.”

“Of course. As long as you don’t tell anyone about the drawing, I’ll stay quiet.”

With that, Olivia left to go find her foster parents. If Lance remembered correctly, they were going shopping at Disney Springs that day.

Lance wished he’d been able to go to Disney World, especially since he lived so close but his family just couldn’t afford it. There were too many family members and so Lance had never been lucky enough to experience the world of Mickey Mouse.

Pidge stopped by later that day to drop off his homework but ended up staying for a couple of hours. Pidge was typing vigorously on her laptop while Lance lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

He’d been thinking about it all day and decided it was finally time to get the idea out of his head. “I’m calling it the Kogane Campaign,” he said into the silence. He heard as Pidge stopped typing and looked up to him.

“What?”

“The Kogane Campaign. A student-run organisation to help kids with depression or any other mental illness. I want to help people like Keith. Help them know that they aren’t alone and that they don’t deserve to disappear.”

“I would say it’s incredibly sappy but... It’s actually a good idea. What would it be? Like a website or something? We could run little classes at the school, if we get permission of course.” Pidge sounded as excited for the idea as Lance felt. He climbed off the bed and onto the floor where Pidge was working and they began to brainstorm together.

“We’ll need a logo or something if we’re making a website,” Lance stated as he looked at the start of a mind map.

“It was your idea. Do you want to design something?”

“Uh, okay. On the website, we should link other websites with information and the phone numbers that people can call.”

“Yeah, I’ll do all that. You start thinking of logo ideas.” Pidge began typing away quickly on her laptop again as she filled in the information for the website.

Half an hour later, Lance had a pretty solid idea for what he wanted the logo to look like. The logo was of a hurricane coming out of someone’s head. The words ‘THE KOGANE CAMPAIGN’ were written on a fancy font of ribbon across the hurricane.

He showed it to Pidge and she smiled, saying it looked good. She suggested that he make it digital for better quality so he set out doing that, finishing in fifteen minutes and emailing it to Pidge so she could add it to the website.

“Lance, it’s getting late. Pidge, are you sleeping here tonight?” Lance’s mother asked from his doorway.

“If that’s okay, Mrs McClain?” Pidge replied. She was always so much more formal with Lance’s parents than she ever was with him. It was almost scary how much her personality changed when parents were in the room.

“That’s fine, I’ll set up the guest room for you. And stop calling me Mrs McClain, please. Charlotte is perfectly fine.”

“Okay, thank you,” Pidge replied before adding “Charlotte” to show she’d listened to her request. Lance’s mother just nodded and left them be.

“It’s funny how your mum insists on us sleeping in different rooms. As if we’d ever do anything.” Pidge continued typing as Lance agreed and stood to gather some PJs for both of them.

“Heads up,” he said as he threw one of his smaller shirts and a pair of trackies.

“Thanks.”

A few hours later, it was breaching midnight and the website was just about done. “What are you still doing up? You’ve both got school tomorrow.” Kate scolded as she made her way to her bedroom. “Go to sleep,” she ordered, yawning before saying goodnight and leaving.

“We probably should get to bed. When do you want to make the website live?” Pidge agreed.

“Not yet. I want to make sure everything’s in order first. We should probably tell Allura tomorrow.”

“Yeah, sounds good. Anyway, night. See you in the morning.” She picked up the clothes Lance had thrown at her a while ago and left the room, closing the door behind her.

~~~~

The two split up when they reach the front entrance to the school, each going to their separate lockers.

“Hey,” Allura called, waving as she walked the rest of the way over to Lance.

“Hey, Allura. How’s Keith going?”

“Alright, I guess. He’s still in the ICU but he’s stable. They’re saying it’s a miracle he made it through the night. My Dad’s still there since they say he could die at any minute in the state he’s in,” she explained quietly so no one but Lance could hear.

“I hope he’ll be okay,” Lance replied, closing his locker door and making his way to homeroom. Allura made a noise of agreement before heading off in another direction.

After morning classes, Lance wandered the corridors towards Allura’s locker, hoping she’d be there. He was excited to share the news about the Kogane Campaign with her since he’d forgotten that morning.

Lance was lucky enough that she was at her locker, talking animatedly with two other girls and a man who looked around college age. “Hey Allura!” he called, joining in on her group conversation.

She spun and smiled as she saw him. “Lance! Guys, this is Lance, Keith’s best friend. Lance, this is Mia, Vivian and Shiro,” Allura said, gesturing to each person in the group.

“Um, can I talk to you?” Lance asked, then looked to the other people and quietly added “alone.”

“Uh, sure. I’ll see you guys at our usual spot yeah?” The group nodded and wandered off while Allura turned back around to talk to Lance. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

“Oh, right. Um, well, I was talking with Pidge yesterday and we made a website. It’s all about helping people with depression and other mental illnesses and showing that no one deserves to disappear. We were wondering if you wanted to help run it since it’s kinda inspired by Keith.” Lance was speaking quickly but Allura seemed to catch most of what he said.

“That’s cool. Sure, I’ll help out. Do you have a name for it?”

“Um, the Kogane Campaign.” Allura looked a little shocked at his answer but masked it with a smile.

“That’s really cute. We could run little workshops or something at the school for people who want to learn more too. We should talk to the vice-principal though.”

“Yeah, we could. I’ll call Pidge.” Lance took out his phone as they started walking towards the faculty office.

~~~~

“Lance, Allura, Katie,” Mrs García, the vice-principal, called. Lance looked to Pidge with a smirk on his face as she glared at her before quickly switching her glare to Lance’s smug face. He held his hands up in mock surrender as the three of them stood and followed Mrs García down the hall into her office.

“So what do I owe this pleasure? None of you has been beaten up I can see so to what do I owe this wonderful change?” she was smiling at them as she took her seat and they took their seats in the slightly uncomfortable chairs.

“We were wondering if we could run a program at the school to educate people about mental illnesses,” Pidge explained. The vice principles gaze shifted to Allura as she heard the topic.

“Does this have something to do with Keith?” she asked.

“Well, we got the idea because of him but we think it would be good to do regardless,” Allura answered.

“I’d agree, it sounds like a great idea. My only concern would be that you’re very careful about how you approach students. We don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable. You’d also need to make sure everything you teach is correct and up to date because I don’t want students being given incorrect information.”

“Of course. It would be completely voluntary and we’d fact check everything before the sessions.”

“Well, I can’t see any problems with it then. I’ll let you use school grounds to run this course, you will just have to let me know when you’d like. I do have one recommendation though. There is a boy in your year, Hunk, and he does lots of extracurriculars. He also gets along with pretty much everyone and has a large group of friends. I believe he’d be an asset to your team.”

“Sure,” Lance said after everyone else nodded agreement. Mrs García pressed the speaker button and requested for Hunk to come to her office. After a few minutes, he arrived, greeting everyone as he entered.

She explained what the three of them were hoping to do and he happily agreed, saying “that sounds like a wonderful idea.”

After Mrs García talked to the four of them a little more, they left with a plan to get together at lunch. Allura was going to tell her father that afternoon but she’d already confirmed his excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Feedback/Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Check out my tumblr if you’re interested in more —> https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little later than it was supposed to be. I kinda forgot to post it (oops). Anyway, it's here now! Hope you enjoy (and thanks for reading this far)!

Lance had expected maybe ten students to show up on Thursday to the workshop the four of them had organised. When he returned from the bathroom, he was stopped in his tracks as he looked at the room full of teenagers talking animatedly with each other.

He and Allura made eye contact and she smiled at him, silently saying she was excited by the amount of students. Lance worked his way over to Hunk and helped organise the papers they had arranged.

There wasn’t much to really work on, the workshop as a whole was supposed to be more of a discussion. The principal seemed to get a bit carried away though as Lance had to do a speech at school the next week at assembly. He was stressed about that, of course he was, but he was trying not to think about it and focus on the task at hand, finding enough seats to fit thirty-something students.

“Hi, thanks for so many of you for showing up. We really never expected so many people to express an interest in mental health. We thought we’d start by introducing ourselves since we’ll be seeing each other every week. If you could say your name, the year your in and maybe one or two things that interest you, that would be enough. I’ll start. My name is Hunk, I’m a senior and I love, absolutely  _ love  _ cooking and I also enjoy programming. Okay, next,” Hunk gestured to Lance who was sitting on his left.

After they went around the circle that was more of a wobbly oval shape, Allura began to explain what they hoped to accomplish with the campaign. “I’m not sure how many of you know, but my brother, Keith, attempted suicide on the first day of school this year. He’s in a coma in hospital at the moment but his best friend, Lance, had come up with the idea for the Kogane Campaign.” She looked at Lance as he stumbled over his sentences. He hadn’t expected to be put on the spot and expected to speak.

“Yes, um, so I’m Lance, though you already knew that. Um, I have anxiety so I have personal experiences with mental illness and I can tell you, it’s not fun. Anyway, Keith and I used to hang out a lot but after his attempt, I realised I wanted people to realise they aren’t alone. I wanted people to realise that they don’t deserve to disappear. I decided this would a massive job to do alone so I got the help of my fa- friend, Pidge. She helped sort out the website, which is on the pages we’ll hand out but I asked Allura to help too since it’s her brother who helped me think of the idea. Anyway, we went to Mrs García and she was all for it. She suggested we get Hunk to help out so we did. We arranged everything and now, here we are.”

They spent the rest of the hour and a half holding a discussion about mental health as a way to find out how knowledgeable everyone was. A few seemed to know about one or two mental illnesses but most just had a very basic understanding that the shitty education system gave them.

Their time came to an end eventually and the three of them (Pidge couldn’t stay) handed out the sheets. Once everyone left, they packed up the room as they promised they would and cleaned the floors. They talked about the afternoon excitedly, which made Lance happy; they seemed so eager to be a part of this and to help people.

~~~~

It was Monday and Lance was waiting on the side of the stage to be called. He’d rehearsed the speech fifty times and knew it off by heart. There was really no need to be nervous, but anxiety never was the type to listen to reason.

“As the founder of the Kogane Campaign, Lance McClain has been asked to present a speech as to why it’s important and what it aims to do.” the speaker, who happened to be Hunk because of his love for extracurriculars, looked over to him and smiled, waving him on stage. “Everyone, Lance McClain,” he stepped away from the microphone as everyone clapped and he looked at Lance one final time. “You got this,” he said. Lance nodded, breathing out a deep breath and stepped forward to the mic.

He adjusted the height slightly, attempting not to panic about how long he was taking and how many eyes were on him. He gulped and looked up to the hundreds if not thousands of students ready to hear what he had to say. He took a deep breath in and blew out.

“Have you ever felt like nobody was there?” He was one sentence in and already beginning to question his entire speech. Why did he decide it was a good idea to start it with questions again? “Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall, and no one would hear?” He paused, looking around the large hall. He made eye contact with Allura and she smiled at him, silently urging him to continue.

“See, the thing is, when I slipped and broke my arm, Keith was there. That was the gift he unknowingly gave me, he showed me that I wasn’t alone. He showed me that I matter, that everybody does. That’s the gift he gave all of us. I just wish. I wish I could have given that to him.” He paused, taking another breath.

A loud noise sounded through the hall, coming from the back. Lance looked up to find the source of the somewhat welcomed interruption. Pidge was sat at the back of the hall, sitting on a stool in front of the piano. Lance’s first through was questioning when she learnt piano but then quickly switched to why she was playing the bloody piano in the middle of his speech.

The melody she played was quite lovely sounding but Lance was in a state of confusion as to what to do. He looked at Hunk, who was holding up a sign that read  _ Sing Your Speech _ . Lance gawked at him for a second before remembering he was in front of hundreds of kids as he looked out to the large audience of confused but excited eyes. Lance took a big breath in and out, not at all prepared to sing his speech.

“Have you ever felt like nobody was there?” he knew it was a terrible idea the second he started singing but for whatever reason, he didn’t want to stop. He was actually enjoying speaking (well, technically singing) in front of his entire school. “Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall, and no one would hear?” Pidge went higher on the keyboard as he paused, physically shocked at how well the spontaneous song was going.

“Well, let that lonely feeling wash away.” A freaking violin joined in at this point and Lance was actually beginning to hate this entire thing. How much more cliche could you even get? Despite the chance of them failing increasing with each second, Lance actually found he was enjoying himself. He looked to Hunk, who was playing the violin next to a mic and they made eye contact, both with goofy smiles on their faces.

“Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay. ‘Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand, you can reach, reach out your hand.” It was weird having to spontaneously change his  _ spoken _ speech into something that can be sung but he seemed to be a natural at it. Honestly, this was going far too well and Lance was ready for something to go wrong at any second.

“And oh, someone will coming running. And I know, they’ll take you home. Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you, and when you’re broken on the ground, you will be found. So let the sun come streaming in, 'cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again. Lift your head and look around, you will be found. You will be found. You will be found. You will be found. You will be found.” He wasn’t sure why he instinctively repeated those four words, but it felt right. And when he saw Allura with a few tears streaming down her light pink cheeks, he knew he’d made the right choice.

The song continued as he sang his speech. Hunk was as excellent at violin as Pidge was at piano. He honestly had no idea his friends were so talented. With three final cords, Pidge ended the song-speech thing, Hunk having finished a little before.

He looked around the hall, making eye contact with Pidge at the back before looking to the rest of the students. The teachers appeared to be in a happy state of shock which the students were a mix of emotions. Some were close to crying, others already balling their eyes out. Some had goofy grins on their faces and a few were clearly trying to keep up the act that they were unphased by the speech but still had a small smile on their face which they tried to keep at bay.

A few student began to stand from their seats, and a few more followed. Within minutes, the entire hall consisted of standing students clapping and even a few cheering. Lance was blushing furiously but tried to push down his anxiety. This was an important moment, he couldn’t ruin it.

Pidge and Hunk walked onto stage, one on either side of him. They grabbed a hand each and led him to the middle of the stage, making them bow. Lance complied easily; he was in too much shock to protest. He and his friends stood again, still holding hands and smiling widely at the audience. In all honestly, this was the happiest Lance had ever felt and he didn’t think he’d ever say that while stood on a stage with heaps of eyes on him.

~~~~

The rush from Monday’s speech never quite wore off. It was now two days later and Pidge was running towards him full force, waving her phone in the air. “Your speech is everywhere! Yesterday, the Keith Kogane page only had forty-seven people following it.” She had the biggest smile on her face, second only to the one she held during the speech on Monday.

“Well, how many does it have now?” he asked, confused but curious all the same.

“Four thousand, five hundred and eighty-two. And that was this morning.” She paused, refreshing her phone. “Sixteen thousand, two hundred and thirty-nine.” Allura appeared beside her, equally excited about the events unfolding.

“I don’t understand, what happened?”

“You did,” Allura said simply as if those two words would actually answer Lance’s question. She had her phone in her hand and passed it to him. There were thousands of comments on the video. He read through a few of them and began to feel tears in his eyes. He was overwhelmed in the best way possible; he helped thousands of people which is way more than he’d ever expected.

_ Oh my god, everyone has to see this. _

_ I can’t stop watching this video. 17 years old. Incredible. _

Takes five minutes. This will make your day.

_ Share it with the people you love. _

_ Repost. _

_ The world needs to hear this. _

_ A beautiful tribute, favourite. _

_ I know someone who really needed to hear this today, so thank you, Lance McClain, for doing what you're doing. _

_ I never met you Keith, but coming on here, reading everyone's posts... It's so easy to feel alone, but Lance is exactly right! We're not alone, none of us. _

There were plenty more comments but it would take Lance hours to read through all of them. He looked up, not aware tears were slipping down his cheeks and dripping onto his shirt.

He went home that day with the second-largest smile on his face, the first being directly after the speech on Monday. His mother asked how his school day was as he climbed into the car and he buckled his seatbelt as he answered, “second best day of my life.” She smiled, eyes crinkling as she changed the car into drive and the headed down the road.

~~~~

A few weeks later, they were involved in an in-depth discussion of anxiety. It helped to have Lance there who had personal experiences though he was sure others there did too but were uncomfortable talking about it. For Lance, the entire session had been incredibly taxing as he’d promised to answer all the questions people had and while some were harder to answer than others, his peers were considerate and didn’t ask anything that was invasive.

He’d chosen to take a ten-minute break in the middle of the session as he needed a little time off after the insistent questioning and excessive socialising. He was an introvert, he needed his time alone to recharge and be able to handle socialising in a reasonably appropriate way.

After the session, they began packing up and cleaning as they did every week. Allura was checking her phone to see if she should bring dinner home and Hunk was attempting to lift the largest chair pile into the storage room. Lance was about to tell him to stop being ridiculous and help out when Allura called his name, urgency in her voice.

“What happened?” he asked as he quickly walked over to her, not even trying to hide his concern.

“Keith’s awake,” she said simply. Lance couldn’t tell if it was excitement or dread in her voice but he decided to ignore it.

“That’s great!”

“My dad said we need to get to the hospital.”

Lance turned and looked at Hunk who had managed to lift the chair pile and was now coming out of the storage room with a confident smile on his face. “Hunk, I’m so so sorry but Keith woke up and we need to go to the hospital. Are you okay to finish up here? You can get next week off as payment?” Allura asked, putting her phone back in her bag and zipping it up.

“That’s okay! Go, let him know I’m happy he’s back.”

“Thanks, Hunk. We owe you one,” Lance said, swinging his heavy bag onto his back and following Allura out of the room towards the car park.

Anxiety was quickly building in Lance’s chest the closer and closer they got to the hospital. He knew it would happen, one way or another they would have found out the truth. But now he knew he was only minutes away from doomsday, he was dreading it with every fibre of his being.

Allura pulled into a spot and climbed out, Lance forcing his limbs to follow.

“Hello, who are you here to visit?” the lady at the desk asked.

“Keith Kogane. I’m his sister and this is his best friend. My dad called saying he woke up?”

“Oh yes. Right this way,” she said, standing from her seat and leading them down the long, winding hallways. Lance really wished these boring walls would absorb him right about now. Alfor was waiting outside when the arrived at the room Keith had been moved to once taken out of the ICU.

“Allura, you’re here. Lance, good to see you.”

“Good to see you too, Sir,” he wasn’t sure why he added sir but it seemed to go well as he smiled. The desk attendant walked away and left them be. “There’s a doctor in there now. He asked me to wait outside as there were a few things that needed doing and it’s better in private apparently; I was shooed out pretty much as soon as he woke up. Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. He shouldn’t be too much longer I don’t think, then we can see him.”

A few minutes later, a doctor in a light green coat walked out of the room and looked at the three of them. “It seems he will make a full recovery, which is really wonderful considering how long he was comatose for. Anyway, you may see him now, I won’t hold you up. But please be warned, he may be a little angry at his situation but that is completely natural; I thought I should warn you.”

“Thank you.” The doctor nodded and walked off down the hall, coat flowing lightly behind him. Lance turned back to the door to see Alfor opening it and Allura following him in. He took a deep breath in and swallowed around the huge lump in his throat.

“Hi Dad, hi Allura.” Lance watched as his eyes went from one to the other, before slowly trailing over to him. “McClain? What the fuck are you doing here?”

_ Here it comes, _ he thought. He watched as Alfor and Allura turned to him, confusion the only emotion on their faces. “Lance, I’m sorry. The doctors said he could have memory loss. I’m so sorry,” Alfor sounded sincere, as if he didn’t quite understand what Keith was saying.

Lance was on the brink of a panic attack. His hands were sweating, his mind was reeling and he could feel his entire body trembling. He blinked away tears as he turned and ran, unable to stand being in that room for a second longer.

He power-walked down the hall, planning to get out of the hospital and into his cozy bed. Even if he couldn’t go home, anything was better than the hospital. “Lance, wait,” Allura called, following behind him. She grabbed his arm, stopping him. She spun him around lightly and leaned forward, connecting their lips.

Lance was hyperventilating as he collapsed against the hallway’s grey walls. Allura followed him down, kneeling in front of him, worry deep in her eyes. “D-don’t do th-that,” Lance stuttered out, his hands gripping and pulling at his hair.

“Look, Keith will remember you. He’ll just need some time. I’m sure it’ll come back to him.”

“N-no. He-he remembers m-me just fine. He hates m-me,” Lance was a sobbing mess, snot and tears dripping onto his shirt.

“Don’t say that. He’ll remember, I promise.”

“No, he won’t!” Lance yelled, surprising himself at his sudden anger. “He won’t fucking remember me because we were never friends! Everything was a lie! I wrote the letter and emails myself and he was never there when I broke my arm! He fucking hates me!” Lance shouted as loud as he could. Some hospital staff and visitors were looking on with curiosity as he broke down further.

He looked up, making eye contact with Allura to see her mouth hanging open slightly, her eyes wide. She stood and turned, walking away. She didn’t even say anything. She didn’t yell about how awful his actions were. She just turned and left, heading back towards Keith’s room.

He stood and began running out of the hospital, through the small crowd that had gathered. He couldn’t even care about how rude he was being, pushing his way past people, he just needed to get out. He reached fresh air but it didn’t help. His lungs were collapsing but he continued to run.

He sped along the pathway towards his home and, through his tears, saw someone stood on the side. There was a rope around their neck. A noose. As he looked a little closer in his mind’s haze, he realised the person was Keith. But he was translucent as if he were a ghost.

As he ran past, the Keith-ghost whispered “disappear” right into his ear. The single word echoed in his mind as he ran. The ghost appeared in front of him again and this time he whispered “join me” directly into his mind. “Come on, you know you’re sick of this. Everyone hates you. But that could all end. Everyone would forget and you could be free. All you have to do is join me.” The Keith-ghost tugged on the rope around his neck, as if accenting his point.

“Honestly, all you have to do is disappear. Doesn’t take much effort. Rope, gun, pills, even a simple bridge would do.” The words sounded so inviting Lance almost listened to them. He stopped himself though, opting to run away from the Keith-ghost, not that he seemed to be able to get very far.

“You will never, ever, be found,” was the last thing the Keith-ghost said as Lance ran through his front door, rushing straight to his bedroom. He heard his mum call him from downstairs but he didn’t care. He just needed to be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Feedback/Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Check out my tumblr if you’re interested in more —> https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second last chapter! How are we all feeling?

Lance closed his door, breathing heavy. He blinked back tears as he looked up, surprised to see Pidge sitting at his desk. “So you’re back? I’m glad you said we could work on the campaign website and then never showed up. I loved wasting my entire afternoon.” Pidge sounded seriously pissed as she stood to stand in front of Lance, despite being much shorter than him.

“I-I have a r-reason,” Lance stuttered out in reply.

“Oh, well it’s okay then. As long as you have a reason. I mean, why would you ever do something you agreed to do.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’ve had enough. All you care about is the campaign. You’ve completely forgotten about anyone in your life.” Pidge paused before spitting out, “You’re obsessed with the spotlight.”

“Pidge, I’m not. I don’t-”

“I don’t fucking care, okay Lance? You’re a massive asshole. Here are your fucking letters!” She threw a pile of papers in his face before storming out of his room, grumbling something under her breath.

Lance was left alone in his room, tears streaming his down his face. He collapsed onto the floor his legs unable to hold his weight any longer. He pulled his legs to his chest and sobbed, shivers racking his whole body.

He climbed into his bed after the tears subsided and fell asleep instantly, exhausted after the events of that afternoon.

A quiet knock on his door is what woke him. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep but the sun had now set and Kate was standing in his doorway, face lit by the hallway light. “Just came to check in; how are you feeling?” She closed his door as she flicked on the dull bedside light.

She came to sit next to him as Lance sat up, still dressed in his day clothes. He chose not to answer. There weren’t really any words to describe how he was feeling. “I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you. Your anxiety has gotten so much better since the start of the school year. You spoke in front of your entire school.” Kate began lightly rubbing his arm, seemingly able to sense something was not quite right.

“That wasn’t me,” Lance whispered, eyes starting to water as he looked down to his hands.

“What do you mean? It was filmed, and it  _ was  _ you. Millions of people have seen it and their lives have been improved because of  _ you _ . Doesn’t that make you happy?”

“That was Keith’s best friend, not me.”

“Sweetie, I’m afraid you aren’t making any sense. You  _ are _ Keith’s best friend.”

Lance sobbed as he choked out, “No I’m not.”

“Sorry?”

“I’m not Keith’s best friend. The entire thing was a lie. I was writing one of those letters, you know, for Dr Williams but Keith found it and thought I only wrote it for him to find and get angry over. He took the letter before he went and tried to kill himself. His dad found the letter of him and assumed that I must have been his best friend. I couldn’t tell him the truth after he was already devastated so I went along with it. I went to his house and made up the story of being with Keith when I broke my arm. It was all a lie. None of it was true. Pidge helped me make emails and everything just got out of hand,” Lance rambled, only stopping when Kate squeezed his arm reassuringly.

“Why were you alone when you broke your arm?”

“I was-was trying to d-drown myself,” Lance sobbed, not in a clear enough headspace to realise what he said or register that his sister tensed at his words. “I’m sorry I lied to you and everyone. I didn’t mean to. I just- I couldn’t do anything else and it seemed like a lovely place to disappear.” Lance sobbed harder, now hiding his face in his sister’s neck.

She just rubbed his arms, tightening her grip on him every so often if his breathing got a little too fast or his shakes became a little too violent. Eventually, after what felt like hours of crying to Lance, he calmed down enough to realise what he’d said earlier while he was rambling. Kate seemed to sense this realisation as she shushed him and rocked him in her lap. And when did he end up in her lap anyway?

“Lance, you need to tell someone what you tried to do. It’s not healthy to keep it to yourself. I’m here if you want to talk but I’m not professional help. I won’t tell mum and dad on one condition: you need to talk to Dr Williams about this, okay?”

Lance simply nodded, throat raw from crying. “Okay, it’s okay, I’m here,” she whispered, beginning to rock him again. He felt like a baby, but it was comforting to have arms wrapped protectively around him. He found himself drifting to sleep and he didn’t try to stop it; he let his eyes slip shut and his breath even out as he claimed the release that sleep brought.

~~~~

Lance slowly blinked his eyes open as light poured into his retinas. He looked to his side to read the time off his alarm clock: 07:14. He felt exhausted despite having slept at least ten hours.

His limbs were heavy and it felt like he couldn’t move. He was just... stuck. After five minutes of lying completely still (he’d counted to keep himself awake), there was a knock at the door. He opened his mouth to reply but no sound came out. What was happening to him? Why couldn’t he move or talk?

“Lance?” his sister’s voice came through the door after she knocked a second time. Her knocking grew more insistent and her words more panicked. “I’m coming in,” she said eventually. He heard his door unlock and saw it open. He felt guilty for causing her to worry, especially after what she’d learnt the day before.

“Lance, are you okay? Why didn’t you answer me?” Kate asked, moving over to his bed and squatting to his height. Lance couldn’t reply but looked into her eyes as if he could convey his feelings through his eyes alone.

“Lance, you’re scaring me. Say something, please.” Lance just continued to look around, feeling incredibly out of it. He tried desperately to move any part of him, even just a finger, but he couldn’t. His jaw felt locked and his muscles tight.

Lance watched as she stood and checked through his bedside drawer. She must have found what she was looking for because she took out one of Lance’s orange pill containers and popped open the lid. She tipped out the contents and stared intently at her hand. “Have you taken any?”

Lance just lay motionless, wishing he could calm his sister’s concerns. “Lance, I swear to god, if you tried to do anything, I will never forgive you. Did you take any?” she sounded more urgent now, as if she was beginning to panic. Eventually, she tipped the pills back into the container and left the room, calling for their mother.

“What is it, Kate?” Lance heard his mother say. It sounded like they were just a little down the hallway.

“Lance is scaring me. He isn’t moving or talking,” Kate answered. Lance heard footsteps moving towards his room and seconds later, his mother and sister appeared in the doorway. They moved over to his bed and his mother kneeled in front of him.

“Honey, are you okay?” Lance tried to nod, he was telling his body to move but it wasn’t responding. She lifted her arm and began lightly stroking his arm with her thumb the same way Kate hat twelve hours before.

“Can you speak, please? We’re worried about you.” Lance just stared absently at the wall. His eyes were dull and lifeless, he could tell. “Kate, go get your father.” Kate nodded and left the room.

His mother looked back to him and leaned forward, kissing his head. “Lance, baby, please,” she said quietly, tears beginning to form in her eyes. Lance felt truly terrible for making her upset but he couldn’t control it.

Soon enough, Kate returned with their father who looked at Lance and smiled kindly. “Hey bud. How’re you doing?” Lance’s mother stood and moved over to her husband as Kate took a seat on the edge of the bed.

She began talking to him but Lance focussed on listening to his parents. “I don’t know what to do. He won’t respond or move. I’m scared David, this has never happened before,” his mother whispered.

“Charlotte, I’m not sure what we  _ can _ do. He’s been a lot better lately but maybe it all caught up to him so he needed to shut down.”

“But-”

“He’s clearly not in any state to do anything. I’ve got a meeting today but I can cancel it and stay here. Or, if you want, we can take him to emergency.” Lance’s muscles twitched when he heard his father’s words. He didn’t need emergency. He knew he wasn’t doing great but he didn’t need to go to emergency.

“I don’t think he’s bad enough for the emergency room. I’m busy all day but this meeting is important isn’t it?”

“I can stay,” Kate spoke up from where she sat on the bed rubbing Lance’s shin gently. “I can call work and cancel.”

“Okay; if you’re sure you can miss work.”

“Yeah, I am. Emily wants another shift anyway. I’ll message her now.” Kate stood and left the room, presumably to go find her phone. Lance felt terrible for causing his family stress and forcing Kate to cancel work.

“Auntie Lotte, what’s wrong with Lance?” A small voice from the door asked curiously.

“Mason, oh. He’s just a little sleepy. We’ve got to get him out of bed for school but he’s being naughty and isn’t listening to us. Where’s Amy?” Lance’s mother explained. Mason was only young so she clearly decided to spare him the details.

“Mama’s downstairs helping granny with breakfast.”

“Why don’t you go see what you can do to help then? Maybe you could set the table?”

“Okay!” Mason’s footsteps reseeded out of the room and down the stairs.

Kate returned a few minutes later, phone against her ear. She pressed her hand against the microphone and said, “Emily’s taking my shift.”

~~~~

An hour later, Amy and all the kids had left for school and work. Lance’s dad was about to leave for his meeting and his mother had half an hour before she needed to leave for work.

Eventually, she came up to his room. “I’ve got to go to work now, sweetie. I hope you feel better soon. I love you.” She pushed his short fringe off his forehead and kissed him. “Bye honey.”

Lance still hadn’t said a word since he woke up almost two hours ago. He’d managed to roll over onto his back but that was it. Kate came in to check up every so often but Lance guessed she knew they just had to wait it out.

It was around lunchtime when Lance started feeling better. He tested his body by flexing his feet. He could move his legs and he was immensely happy he could finally move again. He had a sense that he could have in the past few hours if he’s used all his ability but there was something comforting about being able to lie still for hours on end where nothing was expected of him.

He tested speaking next. He opened his mouth and tried to say a simple “hi”. It didn’t happen; only a choked whisper coming out. He figured moving was better than nothing and pulled the heavy blankets off his body, cringing as the cool air from the room washed over his heated skin.

He sat up and stood from his bed, only mildly swaying on his feet. He took a step and another and another. He still felt drained but it was nice to be able to finally move. In all honesty, he was thankful he couldn’t move over the last couple of hours. His mind was at war with itself and if he had been able to reach for his pills, god knows what he would have done. Though, on second thought, there definitely wasn’t enough left to do even a tenth of what he’d have wanted to. He’d just have ended up feeling super sedated.

He walked down the stairs, trying to remain quiet. He wasn’t quite ready for Kate to start questioning him yet but he knew it would happen eventually. Of course, it had to be sooner than Lance wanted as Kate came around the corner, clearly planning to come check up on him again.

“Lance, you’re up. How are you feeling?” she asked worriedly. Her voice was full of concern and Lance felt more guilt settle in his stomach as he nodded in reply.

Kate led him to the lounge and set him on the couch. “Lance,” she said and paused, thinking over her words. “Did you take anything?”

Lance looked up at her, eyes wide. Had she thought he’d tried to overdose this entire time? Surely not; she would have told her parents if she suspected that, right? He shook his head urgently, still not trusting his voice.

“Can you speak, please? I want to hear your voice, know that you’re truly okay.”

“‘m sorry,” he whispered. That was as much as he could say. His throat burned from lack of speaking and he willed the tears in his eyes to vanish.

“No, no, it’s okay. Don’t apologize. You couldn’t help it. It’s not something you can control so don’t say sorry.”

“Sorry,” Lance said again, a little louder this time but still quiet. She smiled sadly at that.

“Do you want some breakfast?”

Lance shook his head, looking away from his sister and towards the window. The world outside was bright and cheery, the exact opposite of his internal mood. “You should at least take your meds. I’ll go get them for you. Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

Lance nodded in reply. Kate didn’t even ask what he wanted to watch, just stood and slipped the correct disk into the DVD player. The first  _ High School Musical _ movie began playing and he listened as Kate’s footsteps padded on the steps.

The  _ High School Musical _ films had always been a comfort for him. He’s grown up with them and, as a young kid, he often went around the house singing the now cringe-worthy songs. He still loved the movies though; he didn’t watch them much but when he was in need of comfort, they were his go-to.

A few minutes into the film, Kate returned with a glass of water and Lance’s meds. He swallowed the pills silently and left the glass on the coffee table. He wrapped the blanket resting on the back of the couch around his long limbs and rested his head on the armrest.

~~~~

The movie ended after an hour and a half and Kate pressed play for the second one, leaving the room to study after it began to play.

Hours later, he’d watched the first three movies and had fallen asleep on the couch.

~~~~

He woke up to someone lightly tapping his arm. His eyes opened and saw his mother looking at him, face still full of concern. “Mum?” he whispered, still waking up.

“Lance, thank god you’re okay. I’ve been so worried. Kate said you were up and moving but I wanted to see you for myself. How are you feeling?”

“Alright, I guess. What time is it?”

“Quarter to six. I’m just about to get dinner ready. Do you want any?” His stomach grumbled at the mention of food and be remembered he had yet to eat that day. He’d also missed dinner the night before, too distressed to even think of forcing food down.

He shook his head despite his body’s protests and she sighed, “Have you eaten at all today?” He shook his head again, feeling guilty yet again as his mother’s eyes filled with worry. “Are you sure you don’t want anything? I’ll even let you have ice-cream if you want?” He answered with a sad smile and a shake of the head. He knew he’d throw it up if he ate anything; his appetite was completely gone.

~~~~

He went to bed early that night. No one mentioned school as he said goodnight. No one mentioned he was going to sleep at half-past seven.

The next day was a lot better. That was to say, he was able to move when he woke up. It was as if the previous day had never happened. He got up, slipped into the shower and changed into clean clothes. He didn’t want to think of school and facing Allura or Pidge or anyone else.

Had Allura told everyone the truth? Was Pidge still pissed at him? These two questions alone were enough to convince him to climb back into bed.

His mother came to check on him again since he hadn’t gone downstairs on his own. They spoke for a short while before she decided he wasn’t capable of school. She did ask one question though, a question Lance never wanted to answer. “What happened?”

“I don’t know, I couldn’t move or speak or do anything. It’s like I wasn’t in control of my body,” he answered despite knowing that wasn’t quite what she meant.

“But why? Did something happen to trigger it?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew he made the wrong decision. He should have just said he didn’t know.

“That’s okay honey. Just, if you won’t talk to me, talk to Kate or Pidge or Dr Williams. I booked you an appointment for next week.”

“Okay,” he whispered. She nodded, kissed his head and left the room, closing the door behind her.

~~~~

Lance woke up on Saturday morning with a plan. Three days ago, he’d run out of the hospital and into his bed. He’d spent the following two days moping around. He knew he couldn’t avoid it for forever. Allura and Alfor (and Keith as well) would need an explanation eventually. He planned to get ready, have breakfast and catch the bus to their side of town.

After breakfast, he slipped on a coat and scarf as it was chilly outside and made his way to the bus stop down the street.

Half an hour later, he was stood at the driveway of Allura’s house. He was beginning to rethink his plan now. Was it too late to catch the bus back home and pretend he was never here? He huffed out a breath, seeing the swirls of air in form in the cool breeze. It was a lot colder than it usually got for this time of year but he couldn’t care less at this point. The cold, dreary morning perfectly matched his emotions.

He walked slowly up the driveway, desperate to postpone the conversation even if only by a few seconds. Eventually, he couldn’t procrastinate anymore. He was stood at their front door, hands in his coat pocket. All he had to do was reach up and press the doorbell.

Without realising, he’s pressed the button and all there was left to do was wait. A few moments later, the large wood door was opening and Allura stood in front of him. She glowered at him silently, waiting for Lance to speak. “Um, can I come in?” She continued to glare as she stepped aside, allowing Lance to enter the home.

She led him to the lounge where Alfor was seated. As he walked in, he realised Keith was already home and resting on the sofa with his phone in hand. Lance gulped as he realised he’d have to explain his actions to all three of them at once. Keith gave him a smile when they met eyes; Lance quickly looked away. Allura took a seat on the loveseat next to her father as he placed his coffee on the table next to his phone.

“Um,” Lance started, unsure how to get everyone’s attention. “I, um, came to explain.” Allura huffed, showing she was annoyed. Lance ignored her, needing to say what he came to say. “I never meant to make it such a mess. I never thought that it would go this far. So I just stand here sorry, searching for something to say- something to say. Words fail, words fail. There's nothing I can say. Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted; and sometimes, you see everything you wish you had. And it's right there in front of you, and you want to believe it's true, so you, make it true. And you think, maybe everybody wants it, and needs it, a little bit too.”

He paused, sucking in a breath and slowly letting it escape through his mouth. He had their attention now. They all watched his every move, completely focussed on what he had to say. He should be happy. He wanted them to listen; he’d half expected them to just close the door in his face.

“This was just a sad invention. It wasn't real, I know, but we were happy. I guess I couldn't let that go. I guess I couldn't give that up. I guess I wanted to believe, 'cause if I just believe, then I don't have to see what's really there. No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts. Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am. 'Cause then I don't have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it, no one can really see.”

Keith looked the most sympathetic out of the three of them. Maybe he was the only one that could understand where Lance was coming from.

“'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake before I even turn the key, before I make the mistake, before I lead with the worst of me. I never let them see the worst of me. 'Cause what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw? Or would they hate it too? Will I just keep on running away from what's true? All I ever do is run. So how do I step in- step into the sun?”

Lance didn’t realise he was crying until he finished saying his semi-rehearsed speech. The first half was all memorised off by heart but he’d gotten carried away and ended up saying more than planned. His hand raised to wipe the tears off his face. He hadn’t wanted to cry today. He’d done enough of that to last a lifetime.

Keith was the first one who spoke. “I forgive you,” he said. Allura and Alfor looked up at him, shocked. “From what I know, Lance told you the letter was from me to him because that’s what you assumed. Lance, is that true?”

“Yes. Alfor, you were already stressed and worried, I didn’t want to make it worse. And thinking I was Keith’s friend, it seemed to make you happier. I didn’t want to lie but I thought it might make the situation a little better than it was. I’m sorry.”

“So you didn’t do it for attention?” Allura asked, looking in Lance’s eyes for the first time since the hospital.

“No, I- no.”

Allura nodded, thinking before quietly saying, “I forgive you, too.”

A moment later, Alfor stood from his seat on the couch and took a step towards Lance. He extended his hand over the coffee table and Lance took it lightly. “It’s good to see you again, Lance,” he said, firmly shaking Lance’s hand. He let go and took a seat. “We’re about to call Katelyn if you’d like to stay? Keith only got home this morning and my wife’s been dying to see her baby again.”

“I’m not a baby,” Keith mumbled but he had a small smile on his face despite the deep blush.

“Oh, no. I wouldn’t want to intrude. I’ll head home.”

“Do you want a lift?” Allura questioned, already standing and reaching for her keys.

“Oh, no. It’s fine.”

“Lance, you live on the other side of town and I for one know how terrible the busses are here. Come on, I don’t mind.” Lance just nodded and followed her out to the car after saying goodbye to Alfor and Keith.

It was nice to see him awake and responsive again. He’d been in the hospital for over a month and Lance was just happy to see him breathing. Even if they weren’t really friends, Lance had grown attached to the other and felt they had a strong connection, even if it was all just in his head.

~~~~

“Thanks, Allura,” Lance said as he climbed out of the car.

“It’s no problem. I’ll, uh, see you at school on Monday?” She smiled, leaning over the console to continue the conversation.

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.” Lance closed the door and waved as Allura drove off. He turned and walked into his house, a genuine smile on his face that felt foreign after the past couple days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Feedback/Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Check out my tumblr if you’re interested in more —> https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels weird to be finally posting the last chapter but I’m happy with how the story turned out. A master-list and the plan will be posted soon. Thanks for sticking with the story if you’re still here reading. It means so much to me!

_ Three Months Later... _

Lance walked towards the large building he’d come to enjoy over the past couple months. He headed towards Pidge who was waving her arm madly.

“Hey! How was your weekend?” she questioned, her hands moving to grip her bag straps.

“Pretty good. How was your-?” Lance didn’t even get to finish as she jumped into a story about whatever Matt had gotten up to this time. He just laughed and listened intently as she spoke and they headed inside the building towards their separate lockers.

“Okay. I’ve got to run. Say good morning to Keith for me,” she said, winking before running off in the crowded hallway. Lance just chuckled and opened his locker, switching out the books he’d taken home the day before for the ones he now needed. He swung the locker door shut and didn’t jump when Allura appeared behind it. He’d gotten used to it after the amount of times she’d jump scared him.

“Morning,” Lance said as he slipped his bag back onto his shoulders.

“Morning, have you seen Hunk? We’re working on a project together but I haven’t seen him and he wasn’t at the library where we planned to meet.”

“No, sorry. I haven’t seen him but I’ll let him know you’re looking for him if I do.”

“Okay, thanks. I’ve got to run. I promised I’d hand in my bio report this morning. It’s not three days late, I swear.” Lance chuckled as she ran off towards the science block.  _ Good luck _ , he thought.  _ Mr Lonne is not kind with assignments. _

He entered the stream of students and made his way towards rooms B34 for his English class. He liked that class, not for the subject matter, but for a mullet-haired boy he shared it with. Except, at the moment, the cute mullet (and the body it was attached to) was not attending school.

_ ‘Dear Keith Kogane, _

_ I hope you had a good weekend. School’s boring without you. How’s rehab? (Also, Pidge said to say hi.) _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me’ _

Originally, their email-messages had been a stupid joke but as they grew closer, they actually began enjoying it. They didn’t text a whole lot so it was special when they did. A few seconds later, Lance’s phone buzzed with a reply.

_ ‘Dear Lance McClain, _

_ Life at rehab is alright. The food sucked. Have a fun week at school. I miss you. (Tell Pidge hi back.) _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me’ _

Lance read the message and smiled before noticing something.

_ ‘Dear Keith Kogane, _

_ I miss you too. What’s with the past tense? _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me’ _

_ ‘Dear Lance McClain, _

_ Typo. Don’t worry about it. I’ve got to go. Talk soon ;) _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me’ _

Lance quickly typed out a reply before entering the classroom and taking his regular seat. No one else was there yet. He pulled out his English book and a pen before going back onto his phone. A few minutes later, students started trickling into the room, each taking their seats or standing with their friends to talk. Lance was so engrossed in the game he was playing that he didn’t realise the seat next to him filled until someone tapped his shoulder.

Lance looked up and squealed (in a manly way, though), “Keith!” Lance jumped from his seat and pulled the boy into his arms. “When did you get out?”

“Saturday. I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“That’s why you used past tense. You’re a goof, you know that? How hard it is to write a letter pretending to be somewhere else anyway?” Keith laughed at the unintended reference and Lance joined in, just glad Keith was back.

Eventually, Lance released Keith from his death hug and they took a seat. He watched as Keith pulled out a book and pen from his bag and placed them on his desk.

“I was wondering, did you maybe want to go to the lake after school?” Lance asked, head resting in his palm. He’d taken keith to that lake a few weeks after he’d gotten out of the hospital and he’d had the same connection with it that Lance felt. He’d gone into rehab around three weeks ago.

“Could that maybe have something to do with the date?” Keith replied.

“Maybe, maybe not. You’ll have to wait and see. So, is that a yes?”

Keith sighed, shaking his head but smiling, “Sure, why not?” The conversation ended as the teacher entered the class. About ten minutes into class, Lance was missing human contact and reached over, lacing his fingers with Keith. They were at the back of the classroom and, while it was risky, Lance couldn’t really bring himself to care. Keith glanced at him, a small smile tugging at his lips.

The class ended too quickly as students began packing up their belongings and leaving the classroom, on a mission to get to their next lesson on time. Lance unhooked his hand from Keith’s and stood from his chair. They left the classroom together. As they were about to leave, Lance ruffled Keith’s hair since it would annoy him and whispered, “See you this afternoon,” with a wink.

Keith replied by swatting Lance’s hand from his hair and grumbling about how annoying Lance was despite the dimples showing on his cheeks that only appeared when he was truly happy (aka around Lance).

The rest of the day dragged by too slowly compared to how fast the first class had gone. He was excited about that afternoon. He had Kate on date-duty. He’d given her the location and what she needed to have done by half-past three when they’d get there. She was all for the idea which made Lance happy. He didn’t even realise as he started zoning out in class, opting to reminisce on his memories with Keith.

_ Lance wandered through the forest towards his favourite spot. Keith trailed along beside him as he admired the scenery around them. “So, where are we going?” Keith asked as his eyes followed a bird fly out of a tree. _

_ “Wait and see. You’ll love it, I promise.” _

_ “Are you sure that’s something you can promise? We barely know each other.” _

_ “I think I know you well enough. Besides, it’s impossible not to like the place I’m taking you.” _

_ “Unless it’s a grave, I doubt it.” Lance turned, a frown on his face as he entered the clearing, Keith following behind. “Sorry, that was maybe a little too dark.” _

_ “I like you, Keith,” Lance said, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the water’s edge and taking a seat, pulling Keith down with him. “Please don’t disappear. ‘Cause if you do, I won’t ever get to know you. We wouldn’t ever get to date,” Lance whispered, looking out at the water. _

_ “We wouldn’t- what?” Lance turned, a smirk on his face. _

_ “I think you know what I said, Keith.” He wasn’t sure where all this extra confidence came from, but he loved the adrenaline that pumped through his veins. _

_ “You’d want to date me? We barely know each other,” he reasoned, a blush on his cheeks. _

_ “No, you barely know me. While you were in the hospital, I learnt all sorts of this about you. I learnt you’ve always been obsessed with Disney so you made your parents take you for your seventh birthday. I learnt that you hate the water because you almost drowned as a kid. I even learnt that you didn’t stop using pacifiers until you were five and you got in trouble for it at school.” Keith flushed bright red at that last one. _

_ “Who told you that?!” _

_ “Allura,” _

_ “Remind me to kill her when we get back.” _

_ “Anyway, my point is, while we may not have known each other for very long, we still know things about each other. And even before you woke up, I may have started having a crush on you,” Lance trailed off, embarrassed as he looked back to the water to avoid eye contact. _

_ “Well, to tell you the truth, I may have liked you since we met back in sophomore year.” Keith was also looking at the water so they could make this somehow awkward conversation slightly less awkward. _

_ “Really? You’ve liked me for that long and never said anything?” _

_ “Shut up,” Keith muttered as a reply. _

_ “Oh, I will,” Lance paused, turning to face Keith with a smirk. “If you kiss me.” Keith stared at him for a second in shock before realising what Lance has just said. Keith just nodded and Lance leaned in, connecting their lips for a few moments. Lance’s lips were warm; that was the first thing Keith observed. The kiss ended too quickly but Lance didn’t want no contact at all so he linked their hands together, hoping Keith didn’t mind. He didn’t pull his hand away so Lance took that as a win. _

_ “So Keith, about that dating proposition,” he said, chuckling lightly. The sun had started to set which made Lance’s tan and freckled face glow orange. _

_ “I’ll accept your proposition,” he said, playing along. “As long as we can keep kissing and holding hands.” _

_ Lance chuckled, “Of course.” _

After school, the five of them (Lance, Keith, Pidge, Allura and Hunk) all met up outside the building. Pidge and Hunk were ecstatic by Keith’s return and they promised to see him tomorrow. Allura said she had to leave as she had plans with Shiro who had become her boyfriend. Pidge and Hunk were planning something nerdy for the afternoon which left Lance and Keith to do as they wished.

They all walked towards the gate together before saying their goodbyes and separating. Lance and Keith head off towards the secret lake in the forest which Lance was shocked few people knew about. He was thankful though as that kept it’s beauty to him and the few people he’d shared the spot with.

“So what are we doing?” Keith asked, feigning curiosity.

“Wait and see. I will tell you you’ll love it though. At least, I hope you will.” Keith leaned over and kissed Lance’s cheek to stop his mumbling. They didn’t tend to kiss in public so the action made Lance’s face turn a warm pink.

“I’m sure I’ll love whatever it is you’ve planned,” Keith said, comforting the other. It was hard to believe that four months ago, Keith had planned (and attempted) to end his life, and a month before that Lance had. They were both so much better than they had been and it honestly shocked everyone around them, not just themselves. Keith intertwined his fingers with Lance which was also another thing they didn’t tend to do in public.

“Are you sure?” Lance asked, glancing at their hands and looking around for witnesses. Keith replied with a simple nod and squeeze of the hand. They entered the forest after a short ten-minute walk.

They walked the familiar pathway that Lance had taken too many times to count. This was perhaps the happiest he’s been while on the dirt path though. Through everything, he’d only ever been happy going to the lake twice. It was more of a place for him to calm down if he was stressed or anxious or sad. However, since he and Keith had started dating, the lake had quickly become their favourite spot to go together. Hence why Lance had chosen the lake for this event.

They were approaching the clearing when Lance stopped, forcing Keith to follow since their hands were linked. “What?” Keith asked.

Lance smirked, “Close your eyes.”

“What? Do you want me to trip and die?”

“No. I want it to be a surprise. Now close your eyes. I’ll help you.” Keith grumbled about this being a ridiculous idea but Lance just grinned. They reached the clearing minutes later with only a few near-falls on Keith’s part. Though, Keith would say it was Lance’s useless aid that had caused him to trip so many times.

“Okay, keep them closed,” Lance said as he helped Keith get used to the sand they were now stood on.

Keith stumbled as they took another step and fell into Lance’s arms. “Falling for me already, are you?” Keith didn’t need to use his eyes to know Lance was smirking.

“Shut up. Can I open my eyes yet?”

“Just a little longer. I want it to be perfect.” Keith huffed but Lance could tell he was having fun, he just had a strange way of showing it. “Okay... and... open your eyes.”

Keith’s eyes slid open, blinking at the harsh light from the sun as he looked around. The first thing his blurry eyes saw was a blanket, but a basket quickly came into focus along with Lance.

Lance grinned and half-yelled, “Happy monthiversary!” The sun was already beginning to set which was emitting a beautiful glow across the water.

“Lance,” Keith breathed out. “It’s wonderful.” He smiled at Lance and they were both truly happy.

“I’m glad you like it. Here, I made sandwiches.” Lance pulled Keith onto the blanket and they sat down, hand in hand, eating sandwiches as they looked out at the water. The sun slowly began setting, casting an orange glow on Lance’s cheeks. Keith couldn’t help but stare. The thing was, he was allowed to stare. Lance was his, he could stare at the boy all day if he wanted.

“Enjoying the view?” Lance joked, taking a sip from his wine glass filled with apple and blackcurrant juice.

“Shut up,” Keith replied softly, turning his sight back to the lake which was rivalling Lance’s beauty (Lance won). They sat on the blanket, cuddled into each other, as they watched the sunset over the lake before it disappeared behind the trees.

“Have you enjoyed your afternoon?” Lance whispered, the only other sound coming from crickets.

“It’s been lovely. And you know what?” Keith paused and Lance waited. “I don’t want to disappear.” Lance smiled at that, happy Keith was at least currently happy to be alive.

“I’m glad, because no one deserves to be forgotten.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All done, feels... strange... Let me know what you think! Feedback/Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Check out my tumblr if you’re interested in more —> fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com


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